Back in Black (symbiote that is)

Alright alright.

As Leigh Ann has so graciously reminded me, finals are over.  I'll try to get back into the swing of things with the ol' blogger-ooni (not to be confused with Blogger-oni, which is the legendary japenese demon of the blog).

So, even though it's Tuesday, here's a little of what I've been up to:

So I bought a game cube last month for something to do, and to celebrate the end of finals I bought some games on Amazon.com.  One of these games was Ultimate Spiderman.  This game may be my new favorite thing other than painting ghostly figures on my neighbors windows in clear luminescent paint.  The webslinging is wonderful, the voice acting and dialogue are witty and enjoyable, and the cut scenes are like unto reading one of the comic books.
Now I've read that the game is short which is a problem, and I can vouch for the games desire to force me to do the race side missions (or main missions-damn you electro!) to progress the story.  Admittedly, this aspect of the game sucks.  But it's a small issue in the grand glory of not having Tobey Maguire's stupid ass voicing over my favorite hero.  This game is in no way tied to the movie, which is one of the reasons it's so wonderful.
All in all, the game play could use some tweaking and a longer main story is desired.  That, I feel, is a good thing though.  It means that the story line was something I enjoyed, and therefore want more of.  The cell shaded style is reminiscent of the comics on which the game is based.  If you're a fan of New York's beloved Web-head, then this game is a must.  If you're a "real gamer" (a.k.a. merciless prick who thinks the only good games that involve a headset mic, high end graphics, and a recliner in your mom's basement) then stay away.  If you simply hate Sam Raimi and want to play a fun, albeit short, game then dish out a few bucks and buy a used copy.

Until next time, true believers,
Excelsior!

Finger got Freddied

"Hey Bill."

"Oh, hi Bob!  Good to see you again.  What's going on?"

"Oh, I just had this great idea for a new superhero and I wanted to run it past you."

"Sure, sure.  Let's see it."

"See he's called Batman.  Doesn't he look awesome?  I thought the red and black would go well together."

"Hmm...Well to be honest Bob I'm not so sure it works.  Plus he looks an awful lot like Superman.  Why don't you go with a gray costume; more mysterious and all."

"You mean like this?"

"Yeah, that's great.  And what about a full cowl instead of a domino mask.  It'll keep his secret identity better."

"That's a great idea Bill!  Boy, that domino mask sure looks silly now!  Like something a sidekick would wear.  Haha!"

"Oh!  You should give him gloves to prevent him from leaving fingerprints.  Maybe some cool spiky gauntlets too.  And those wings don't make sense, they'd be really cumbersome.  How about a ribbed cape?"

"Yeah!  This is looking great now.  What would I do without you Bill?  You know, I've been having trouble with a secret identity too; any ideas?"

"That's a tough one...How about Bruce?  You know, after Robert the Bruce.  And something colonial for the last name...Adams?  ...no...Hancock?  ...no...I've got it Wayne!  Just like 'Mad Anthony.'"

"Wowee Bill!  How do you do it?"

"Oh, I'm just trying to help a friend Bob."

"I want him to be like Zorro.  You know, because he has a mask and all."

"We could also make him a super-sleuth like Sherlock Holmes, and a Jack of All Trades like Doc Savage."

"Yeah!  And he's like Zorro because of his mask!"

"uhh...yes.  Yes he is Bob."

"Hey, do you think you could make some cool villains and story lines for Batman?"

"Well...um...sure."

"Great!  Hey everyone!  Come look at the awesome new superhero I came with ALL BY MYSELF!!!"

Nicholas cage: perfect father figure

Leigh Ann and I went to see Kick-Ass this past weekend and it was...well...okay.

Oh and spoilers below: you have been warned.

I wish I could say that it was kick-ass, but unless we're referring to the title, that would make me a liar.  The movie was more violent than I expected, but that's not why I'm saying it wasn't great.  I simply felt like the movie didn't really know what it was doing for two hours.  It was like somebody looked at the movie and said:
"Here's the general plot, just do whatever feels natural to fill in the spaces so we can get the full length out of it."

I still maintain that the general idea is a good one.  A young man simply decides to become a superhero and turns out to be an average guy in a costume just doing the right thing.  He realizes in the grand scheme of things that he's nothing special, but here's the thing: he is special.  I think so at least.  My favorite part was during a fight with three thugs, one pulls a knife.

Thug: The fuck is wrong with you, man?  You rather die for some piece of shit you don't even fucking know?
Kick-Ass:  Three assholes laying into one guy while everyone else watches?  And you want to know what's wrong with me?  Yeah, I'd rather die...so bring it on!

A great moment that really looks into why some teenager would risk his life, but they never expound upon it.  They never bother to make a point in the movie.  Good guys get the bad guys, and that's all well and good, but that can't be all there is.  If I wanted violence and action, I'd rent a Michael Bay film.  If I wanted vulgar language, I'd watch a Die Hard Movie.  If I wanted to watch silly modern teenage antics, I'd go buy Juno.  But I don't want those things.  I wanted a superhero movie.  I wanted a point.  I wanted all of the above woven together well as opposed to shifting the focus from scene to scene.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate the movie.  I was just really disappointed in how it performed.  I do want to look into the comic, to see if it fills in the holes left behind by Hollywood.  If you have huge sums of disposable income, go watch Kick-Ass, it's worth that.  Otherwise wait until you can rent it because there is no point in paying for an incomplete movie.

My rating: 6.8/10

My Second Favorite Quote: "Fuck you Mr. Bitey!"

Nathan Lane owes me millions.

Tonight's Wiki Wednesday is brought to you by my good friend Reed who directed me to this:

The Lions Sleeps Tonight has an interesting history.

Originally called "Mbube" by it's writer (and initial recorder) Soloman Linda it has been sung by many over the years.  Linda was given the shaft and payed a one time fee instead of normal author royalties.  The famous chorus of "Wimoweh" is actually a mistake, caused by a mishearing of the original chorus "uyimbube" which means you're a lion.  This means Timon and Pumbaa are stupidly singing "You're a lion, You're a lion" in horribly mistranslated African during the movie.  Stupid jungle animals, listen to Elton John.

The song is based on an old African legend about the king Shaka Zulu whose pro-wrestler name was "The Lion."  They say that when the Europeans invaded he simply fell asleep (instead of dying) and will awaken some day to exact his Buffalo Loined Vengance.  Of course, if my leader decided at the critical moment to go to sleep while his people were being conquered, I would probably prefer thinking he was dead.  You know, instead of being a jerk who abandoned everyone for 40 winks.

In 1982 the most popular version this song ever was performed and released by the group "Tight Fit."  And this is why it was so popular:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to go and make some bread.

When life gives you sardines...

Yo folkses.

Here's a new recipe (if you can call it that) that I threw together (literally) yesterday (the day before today).  I call it Davy Jones's chowder.

Ingredients:
Pasta
Sardines
Water
Salt
Pepper
Oregano
Soy Sauce
Bacon
Garlic Powder
Onion
Olive Oil
Corn

Directions:
These directions are to the ones I used to make a small pot of soup (about 3 bowls) so if you want to expand it, multiply!

• Pick your favorite type of pasta (remember, it's going in the soup so plan surface to volume ratios accordingly) and cook it.  In a pot.  With water.  Leave enough water to make the broth of the soup.  It might affect pasta cooking time, so be aware.
• Dice one onion.  Wipe the tears out of your eyes.  Season with salt and peppa.  Sautee the diced onion.  Set cooked onion aside
• Cut the bacon (about five strips) into pieces about a cm wide.  Season with pepper and oregano.  Cook until golden and crispylicious.
• Prepare your corn (open the can or cut it off the cob).  If you bought creamed corn, slap yourself.
• Is the pasta done yet?  Okay, wait for it to finish.
• How about now?
• Okay, good.  Turn the pasta water down to a low setting (2 or three).  We don't want to cook it anymore, but we do need it warm.  Open your can of sardines.  They look disgusting, no?  Too bad, we're using them anyway. 
• Mash up the sardines into a paste.  They should already be halfway there.  Take three tsp. of paste-ified sardine and stir it into the pasta water.  It should start to smell fishy seeing as you just added fish.
• Season broth with salt, pepper, garlic powder and oregano as desired.  Pick your own measurements, I can't do everything for you people.  Add more sardine if you want.
• Add the corn and bacon (and bacon grease of course).  Stir and let equilibrate at a hot temperature.
• Ladle into a bowl and enjoy!

I was actually surprised at how this turned out.  The entire time I was adding stuff to it I kept thinking "Holy Crap, Holy Crap, What am I doing?"  But I've had three bowls in two days and I still think it turned out well.  The only thing I didn't like was that I added too much pepper.

The return of Soup Boy!

Hey kids,

I'm back.  Mostly.  It's been really busy around here.  Classes and research are both picking up and they are heavy mistresses to bear (bare?).  Anyway, I'll try to get something up according to schedule but I warn you: it may not be pretty.

Any-whojamachalit, Leigh Ann and I went to see HTTYD this weekend.  For those of you who failed your acronymonics midterm that stands for How To Train Your Dragon (not to be confused with Happy Turtles Take Your Drugs).  It is the newest computer animated movie from dreamworks.

The story revolves around a young viking named Hiccup and his encounter with a dragon who he dubs "toothless."  Hiccup does not hiccup and Toothless has teeth which begs the question: Who picked these names?

Answer: Cressidia Cowell (I don't know if that's spelled right and I don't right care at this juncture of my life).

Yes, it is a movie based on a series of books by author Cressidia Cowell.  The movie is absolutely amazing and is going on my list-of-movies-to-buy-when-they-come-out-and-I-have-the-money-list.  Not only is the computer animation very good, but the story and voice actors were great as well.

As with any movie based on a book, it did not follow the story at all.  From what we could determine after watching the movie and looking up information on the book, however, the book sucked and should be thankful that Dreamworks made it awesome.  I didn't actually ever read the book, which means that I am definitely justified in making this wide, sweeping assumption.

Also, while in the movie a mother with two young children was sitting behind us.  Her son decided he would start voicing his opinion about everything on the screen about halfway through the film (when the action started picking up).  This all came to a climax when a really badass dragon came on screen to which he excitedly yelled, "Holy Crap!  That thing's a dinosaur!!!" as if that explained why it was so awesome.   I kid you not, I almost snapped right then.

To this moment I still don't know what's worse: the fact that I wanted to yell at a 5 year old, or the fact that I wanted to yell:
 "DRAGON'S ARE WAY COOLER THAN DINOSAURS YOU STUPID $#!%!!!"

Why do we fall silent Master Wruce? So we can speak back up.

When Wruce Bayne was just a lad, he went with his family to the movies one night to see the opening of the newest sentimental comedy starring The Rock.  As they left the theatre, young Wruce couldn't stop bouncing around his parents.  He imagined himself, like the rock, dressed in a tutu and a billion muscles.  Not a Hulk Hogan billion; a much more conservative Dwane Johnson billion.

His father decided to lead the family (being the leader of the family as fathers are) down a side alley to take a shortcut home.  Why they didn't just call their butler (Ralfred Nicklecost) to come pick them up in their fancy car, we may never know.  While walking through the dark alley a horrible tragedy befell the unsuspecting Bayne family.  Both Mr. and Mrs. Bayne began having simultaneous heart attacks.  As they fell onto the dark, wet streets, Wruce's father whispered in his son's ear

"Get help...run!"

And so Wruce ran back down the alley toward the well lit street to get some help.  He heard a stranger mugging another rich couple and their son by a dumpster, but ignored them.  His tiny shoes splashed magnificently through a giant puddle as he exited into the lit street.

"Help!" He screamed, "Someone please help..." A crowd of concerned faces suddenly appeared before him. Too many faces.  For some reason, the words got caught in Wruce's throat.  He couldn't talk to this many people at once.  One or two, sure, but not a crowd.  So, on that cold autumn night, Wruce Bayne's parents died because of his fear.

He grew up, the sole heir to both the Bayne family fortune and the Bayne family guilt.  He was a sad child and would cringe whenever an ambulance passed.  The sound of the sirens reminded him of that night when no sirens cried for his parents; when he cried alone.  Unable to take his guilt any more (13 years was long enough), young adult Wruce left without telling anyone and traveled to the far east.  For 7 years he studied the ancient Chinese art of medicine.

Never again he swore will anyone die because someone is to afraid to speak.

And so, he returned to Hotgam city and found his mansion exactly as it was.  His butler had kept it together for those long seven years, knowing that the young master Bayne would return one day.  Wruce began work on a costume and another persona.  A persona to help when no one else could.  He would stick to the shadows (so as to avoid large groups of people) and every time he heard a cry for help, he would run in the opposite direction to protect those who couldn't call out.

He found and bought an old, abandoned auditorium and declared to the empty seats that it would be his base of justice.  He fashioned himself weapons called pode-rangs (they are boomerangs that are shaped like podiums...and are sharp...and don't come back when you throw them.  Actually, they were called pode-shurikens...or pode-kens.  Yeah.  Pode-kens).  When his butler saw this he asked,

"Why podiums master Wruce?"

"Because public speaking scares me, Ralfred," he replied, "and it's time my enemies share in my dread."

He donned a mask and the letters PS were imprinted on his chest.  He became the silent guardian for all the unspoken members of the city.  He became a rallying name for mutes, mimes, and those afraid as he was.  In the underworld they speak his name quietly.

psssssst.

fine! here it is! But you're not going to like it...

Have you ever wondered why packing peanuts come in a "W" and a "S" shape?  Well wonder no more! (click here for the wikipedia link Tad)  The "S" comes from the first letter in it's name: STOROpack PelaSpan peanut and the "W" comes from a notable, though not first letter from it's name: RAPAC WingPac peanut because consistency in naming is for the birds!


This curiosity that caused this choice of article comes from the fact that in our office we have a large box of "W" and "S" shaped packing peanuts and I didn't have a lot to do last week.  Also, I do have a lot to do this week, so I didn't really want to post, but I did anyway.  For you people.  All four of my followers better read it since I posted it.  That means you have to read it twice Tad.  Once for each account.  Also to make up for the completely quarter-assed post, here is what I did with the packing peanuts last week when boredom and kinetics set in:

Valentine's Daze

Tonight, we have a special valentine's day recipe that I made this year.  This one moves really quickly, if you don't want to ruin the salmon, so stay on your toes.

Ingredients:
Smoked Salmon
Egg Noodles
1 lemon
Cilantro
olive oil

Directions:

• Boil a pot of water for the pasta
• Cook the pasta
• If you need better directions than that, maybe you shouldn't be trying this recipe right now.  Start with Chef Boyardee.
• Zest the lemon and chop a few pieces of cilantro.  Add the cilantro and lemon zest and oil to a frying pan and put on low heat (1-2).
• Slice, or pull apart, the salmon into smaller pieces.  This will help it distribute more evenly throughout the pasta.
• When the pasta is just about done, add the pieces of smoked salmon to the pan.  Be careful, anything more than the lightest of sears will overcook the thin slices of smoked salmon.  It's okay if it's not cooked all the way through, it's already been smoked.  We just want to heat it up and infuse some of the flavor.
• Drain the pasta and add the oil/cilantro/lemon/salmon mixture.
• Sir (or madam), mix.  A lot.
• Enjoy!

Through Rain, or Sleet or Awesome Riffs...

SHORT PERSONAL STORY TIME!!!

So, I went to the post office the other day to mail some forms, for a thing.  If I said more than that, I wouldn't have to kill you.  I probably would anyway, but I wouldn't have to.

So I enter the university post office and wait in the line.  I look at the posters that plaster the walls as I approach the civil servant at the end of this line.  Usually, this is a cause of much stress for people because if you work for the government you have to HATE EVERYTHING EVER.  Not this man, though, he is a rebel.  He broke the mold with sheer force of will.  My lines will be in red-O-vision while the mailman's lines will be in surround blue

I get to the counter and place the envelope on the counter.  "I need this to get where it's going by the twelfth."  Without missing a beat he hands me a key.  Even my quick wits were taken aback.

" My truck is out front." 

Very witty Mailman.  I get your game.  Well, I bet you weren't prepared for...this!


"No thanks." Bazang!  Take THAT reply!


"What's wrong?  It's a good truck.  It's got a stick up here," he says, so nonchalantly while he motions to the right side of an imaginary steering wheel.  He's good, but I'm better.

"I don't know how to drive stick." I reply.  I'm sure I have him now.

"Why?"  Gasp!  The honesty of his question strikes to my very core.  But I am not beaten yet!  I will fight honesty with honesty!

"Just never learned, I guess"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I guess I should learn."

"You will learn." He corrects me.  

"I will learn." I agree, "My girlfriend drives stick.  I'll have her teach me."  I've definitely recovered from my stumble earlier.  But then he changes the subject on me, trying to throw me of guard.

"Lighthouse."

"Pardon?"
"Eh, you're to young to know this song" The radio!  He's referring to the radio!
"It's sounds familiar." Now he's playing a little air guitar while he talks.
"It's a good song.  You should teach your girlfriend how to play guitar."
"I'll have to learn myself first."  Oh no!  I've left myself open again!  But I have time to recover, my reflexes are quick.
"I will learn how to play guitar." We say at the same time (Hence the Purple-ization).
He smiles.
I smile
"Have a nice day"
"You too"

I leave, having battled to a stalemate against a worthy opponent.  Now I just need to learn how to drive stick and play guitar.

The devils of Hogwarts

So, it's not new news that a bunch of old ladies set aside their knitting when Harry Potter became popular and began denouncing the books as tools of Satan.  Now, while I completely agree with these people (This is a total lie), I think Harry Potter is threatening our way of life in a much more severe way.  The people, places, creatures and spells of this magical world have permeated our society to such an extent that the true damage will be subtle and crippling to our world.  Below I have outlined a few such instances.

Oh and I will not be including instances of children grabbing brooms and jumping off roofs.  Even in the Potterverse people start on the ground.  Your child isn't being influence by popular fiction: he's just stupid.

For those of you who don't know, Hydrofluoric acid (or HF) is an acid that just loves to react with Calcium.  It is quickly absorbed through the skin and often the subject does not feel pain immediately.  Now imagine it absorbing into your skin and dissolving all the bones in your arms.  This is how tonights blog concept got started and here is how we imagined it (Granted, HF will react with the calcium in your blood and tissues to severe effect before it even reaches your bones, but nonetheless):

Lab assistant is rushed to the emergency room with a boneless arm.
Doctor-What happened?
Floppy-HF spilled all over my arm.
Doctor-I need calcium gluconate injections over here stat!
Floppy- bending his arm backwards No worries, just get some skele-gro and I'll be fine.
Doctor- What?
Floppy-Skele-gro.  It's a potion that grows back the bones in your arms.
Doctor-That doesn't exist!
Floppy- Excuse me?  They have it at Hogwarts.
Doctor- That doesn't exist either!
Floppy- So, I'm not going to get my bones back?
Doctor- You're going to die.
Floppy- Well, if I had known that, I would have worn my safety equipment...

Next, how long is it going to be before parents start naming their children after their favorite characters?

Daycare worker- leaning over to talk to a little boy. And what's your name?
Mother-His name's Albus Severus.
DW- what?
Mother - He was named after two of the greatest headmasters Hogwarts has ever known.
DW- It may not be my place to say ma'am, but do you want your son to get  his ass kicked every
day?
Mother- scoffs. It's from Harry Potter.  Everyone knows Harry Potter.
DW- Mmhmm.  And do your remember the bullies from Harry Potter?  Crabbe and Goyle?  Were they known for their desire to read?
Mother- ...shit...

And finally, not appropriate for our younger audience members:
Girl- Daddy, where do babies come from?
Daddy- Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a thing called "sex" and make a baby.
Girl- I want to have sex with a horse!
Daddy-...
Girl- Then I'll make a centaur baby!
Daddy-...

Oh wait a second, we don't need Harry Potter's influence for that last one.  We have Washington.

Fan-faction

Today's Wiki Wednesday is brought to you in fictional narrative (0-vision).

I was at the top of my game; top of the world even.  Not only was I the newly crowned champion, but I had beaten that ass-wipe grandson of the professor once and for all.  As I left the walked back through the final battle arena, I remembered the difficult opponents I had faced.  I walked back down those stairs that had seemed so endless before.  It was all too short before I stepped out into the sunlight again.

I don't know what I had expected.  It had always been a journey with just me and my six best friends.  When I stepped into the midst of that cheering crowd I was taken aback.  People kept shaking my hand, patting me on the back: I even got a few hair tousles.  As I reached the waterfall entrance I turned around and looked at the crowd.  I don't know what they expected of me, but I just wanted some peace and quiet at that point.  And maybe a soda.

I'm the champion now.  This just comes with the territory I thought, If I'm going to leave--and I am--I can't leave them disappointed.  I guess I'll have to do something champion-worthy.  
As if it were the most natural thing in the world, I threw both fists into the air.  The crowd cheered my simple action.  While the applause was at it's peak, I fell.

I leaned backward and fell right off the cliff.  I couldn't hear the gasps and screams from so far above; only the wind in my ears.  I reached into my vest, grabbing the one ball I knew I needed and shouted as I had so many times before

"I CHOOSE YOU, PIDGEOTTO!!!"

One of my best friends burst forth in the sky and caught me on his back.  We flew straight upwards, past the screaming crowd and off into the sunset.  I leaned back, enjoyed the silence, and let my pidgeotto lead the way.

When we finally landed, I immediately recognized the town from early in my journey.  An old, familiar face ran up to me excitedly.  I opened my mouth to say hi, but before I could he had grabbed my arm and run with me into some tall grass.  Jabbering on and on about how to catch a pokemon he started demonstrating to me again.  "I get it" I said.  "I already know how," I said.  He just wouldn't listen.  Finally I couldn't take it anymore, I thrust my medal in front of me and shouted,

"I'm the damned champion! I've caught almost every pokemon there is.  I think I know how to use a damn pokeball!!!"

Big Mistake.  The crowds heard the word "champion" and almost instantly started for me.  Kids wanting autographs, adults wanting to hear about it, and trainers wanting to prove their worth.

"Pidgeotto, Let's get out of here!" I yelled frantically, and before the fortune seekers could reach me, we were gone.  "Cinnabar Island," I whispered in his ear, "Let's get away from people for a while."  As soon as we landed, I ran for the nearest shoreline.  "Blastoise!  Surf!"  Safer with the wild pokemon than the crazed fans, I thought.
Boy, was I wrong.

We had barely begun to float along the shoreline when a pokemon jumped out at me.  At least, that's what I think it was.  Instead of a solid being, the air in front of me just shimmered.  Too solid to be a mirage, but too strange to be anything else.  I stood, transfixed by it's odd beauty.  I opened my pokedex to see what it had to say:

Missing No.  Pokemon number 000.  It is a....thzzt...crck...sszzszz...


The screen went black, and a purple smoke began to spew from the side.  I didn't know much about this pokemon, but I knew I wanted it.

The battle was fierce.  Fire, water, air, lightning, psychic blasts: I threw everything I had at this unknown creature.  It's eerie shimmer began to fade and I knew that it was weak.  I struck swiftly and accurately.  I threw an ultra ball at it and hit it dead on.  The distortion of reality that was Missing No. was pulled into the ultra ball and began to fall. I jumped off of my blastoise and caught it in mid-air.  As I treaded water I watched the ball with bated breath.  It shook in my palm:

Once...

Twice...

Ka-ching!

I had caught the mysterious Missing No.  I was the greatest pokemon trainer EVER!  Then, as I began to swim back to blastoise I began to sink.  I was getting heavier.  I felt all over myself to find the source of the extra weight.  My head went under and I felt the bulge in my pack.
The iron in my sixth pocket was multiplying.

I struggled with the buckle on the front, but I couldn't release it.  My blastoise swam down and grabbed me, but I was too heavy.  As the daylight drifted so far away from me, I hugged my blastoise one more time as my salty tears mixed with the sea water.  If only I had known.

I would have put rare candy in that pocket.

But I suppose that was the whole point.  It was my avarice that led me down this road.  I was haughty and the penalty for my hubris...was death.

Half-assed Tasty Tuesdays

It's been a long couple weeks kiddos, but here is a really quick tasty Tuesday to tide you over until tomorrow (or the next time I post).

Ingredients:
8oz package imitation crab (I used leg style)
Chives
Pasta (Spaghetti or your favorite long noodle)
Olive oil

Directions:

• Cook the spaghetti.  While it's cooking, heat your frying pan to med-low.
• Roughly chop the chives and crab meat.  The meat should fall apart into pieces with a high length:width aspect ratio.  This is why we picked leg style.
• Mix the chives and crab
• When the pasta is almost done, add oil to your hot pan.  Once the oil is hot, throw the chives and crab into the pan.  Lightly sautee.  Mostly, you just want to heat them through.
• Strain pasta.
• Add oil, crab meat and chives to pasta.  Mix together
• Serve with some parmesan cheese on top.
• Enjoy.

With great power comes great disappointment...

Alright, so this weeks posts didn't go quite as planned, but I think my test went well.  Originally I was going to do a triple post today to make up for Wednesday and Thursday, but this idea came to fruition during work so here we are.  Below I have compiled a list of important life lessons that I learned from comic books.  The lessons are sorted by their related character.  Even though, they may have originated from a fictional world (or worlds) I still find them eerily applicable to the common schlub.

Spiderman:

• Every bad thing that has ever happened to the people you love is your fault.

• A little radioactivity never hurt anyone.
• Once you go black, you do actually go back.
• Never let Tobey Maguire play you in a movie.
• Never let Tobey Maguire be in a movie.
• The amount you want to keep something secret is inversely proportional to how well that secret will be kept.

Batman:

• Money can buy anything, except for your parent's lives.
• Even without superpowers, you can still dress up in your underwear in public.
• Orphans are helpful in and out of the home.
• Orphan's are easily replaceable.
• Keeping completely random items in your fanny pack is not only useful, but also makes you irresistible to the ladies.
• Putting a giant bat face on the front of your fancy car doesn't qualify as a disguise.  It's just gay.

• I don't care if it's a weapon, it still looks stupid.
• For every person who thinks you're the coolest thing since sliced bread, there is an internet community that hates you.

Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

Superman:

•  When you think you're the last of your species, there are still a few cousins, pets, and criminals floating around.
• If you have only one weakness, sure enough everyone will know about and have the means to exploit it.
• When a planet explodes, most of the remnants from the explosion will land on the same planet hundreds of light years away.  This is a statistical fact.
• Superhypnotism.  It works bitchez.

I was going to leave it at that, but I came across some more wonderful examples of superman's power of making up new powers as he goes along.  So, one last tidbit before we go...

Yeah, because flying around the earth backwards to reverse time just wasn't enough.

I'll kill you like a cat in a box...maybe...

So, blog posts might be sparse/late this week seeing as I have a big test coming up on Wednesday and I want to not fail miserably at it.  This of course begs the question as to why I am posting a blog now if I am so concerned about my grade?  Do not worry though my friends, I can multi-task with the best.  I am currently studying and blogging and no one will interrupt the other in any way.

Hey!  Did you know that we can't define a unique radius for a given orbital because we can't define where the electron is?

So a while ago I found a video on Youtube called "A Very Potter Musical."  It is a wonderfully written and performed parody of the Harry Potter series.  Jokes are made regarding Harry Potter as a literary character as well as a pop culture icon; and it's all wrapped up in a well performed package with Rockin' Music as a decorative ribbon.  The atoms lose their electrons in a spatial order, but gain them in an order determined by lowest energy states.  The video for the first part is given below and links to the youtube site.

A Very Potter Musical: Act1 Part 1


The play randomly spans all the books, though not in chronological order.  As the play starts off, you are introduced to the characters one by one and Ginny Weasley is starting her first year.  3d10 ions form covalent bonds using sp3 hybrid orbitals in a tetrahedral arrangement even though the ion size suggests a higher coordination.  This is consistent with when Harry says he's "only 12."  But when the students finally arrive at Hogwarts they find themselves introduced to the new professor of the dark arts, Professor Quirrel which is clearly a chronological inaccuracy.  By the end of the play, the resolution of the 7th book is achieved without question.

The interaction of the actors was my favorite part.  Ron's complete dismissal of his sister couples with Harry's oblivious nature towards her feelings in a comedic routine that makes you cry a little inside for her.  There is a contraction from left to right along the Lanthanide series because the buried f orbitals don't shield the nuclear charge very well.  Hermoine's realization midway through the play that looks are "the only important thing" adds a realistic spice to her character.

My favorite character is a short-lived one.  Yet, Cedric Diggory's Galahadic disposition is the brightest point of the play.  He truly does make the Hufflepuff's proud.  Short bonds are strong bonds.  In the play, as in the books, Cedric is the only Hufflepuff worth naming.  Sure you could argue that there was Ernie, or Hannah Abbot, but you would be wrong.

All in all, "A Very Potter Musical" is a wonderful work of art and I highly recommend any fan of the Harry Potter phenomenon to watch it.  The Madelung Constant is only based on geometry.  It provided my with hours of laughter.  If you enjoy it as much as I did, check out Starkid Potter's website and download the soundtrack for free.

See, I can totally do two things at once.  I bet you couldn't even tell I was studying...

Professional Conman

I originally planned to write a short fictional excerpt from a story I call "My time at the Mansion," but then I thought It's Anything Can Happen Thursdays!!!  ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!  And so I decided to makes these pro and con lists instead:

The Last Airbender:


Pros:

• The voices that we can hear so far in the trailer aren't terrible compared to what could have happened (You know what I'm talking about Studio Ghibli.  Honestly, Christian Bale?  Liam Neeson?  Billy Crystal?!?!?)
• Ascetically, the movie has great promise.  Also, there were some liberties taken with clothing and Aang's tattoos, but I think that it's pretty close on in most spots.
• Jackson Rathbone apparently doesn't have to look and sound like a total dimwit.  Quick!  Someone alert Catherine Hardwicke!

Cons:

• Not everyone seems to have made a seamless transition into the live action world.  I'm extremely skeptical about Iroh.  He doesn't seem to be as plump and gray haired as I remember so he better be SO FRICKIN' LOVABLE OR I'M JUST GOING TO SNAP.  Aang has yet to show any happy and childish emotions which is kind of the basis of his character for 85-90% of the series.  Also, what's with Zuko's scar?  Last time I checked his daddy didn't give him a little love tap on the temple before exiling him.  He melted half of Zuko's face, kicked him out of an entire, growing nation and told him to never come back because who could never love a son who was so horribly disfigured.  
• One of the temples in the movie is the Pagoda in Reading, PA.  By the looks of the Pagoda, I'd guess Fire Nation.  I don't like the idea of Ozai living so close to me...
• Last, but by no means least: M. Night Shyamalan is directing it.  Aside from the fact that he adds that unnecessary "y" to his name, his last good movie was unbreakable (And to be fair that wasn't thanks to him.  Any movie with Bruce Willis AND Samuel L. Jackson will rock).  Also he has an unquenchable desire to add a "twist" to everything.  So, Dear M. Night: If you change the story here to add a "twist" at the end, I'm going to gently rip out your jugular with my feet.  Sincerely, Me.

Internet T.V. Shows:

Pros:

• I can watch my shows when I'm good and ready too.  Also for many shows, I am able to start from the beginning and catch up on things I've missed.
• I don't need to pay for cable.
• Most networks now upload recent episodes online, so I can get up to date episodes.

Cons:

• It's great to watch shows from the beginning in a row, but when I finally catch up to present day, I'm back to watching weekly, like everyone else.  I don't like being like everyone else.  I like being special. Can you understand that Mohinder?
• The new episodes usually don't update until the day after the network shows them.  So, while I can still talk with my coworkers about recent events in our favorite shows, I have to avoid them like the plague for about 24 hours.
• What the Hell CBS?  Get with the program!  Al Gore didn't invent the internet so that you could sit on your lazy butt and NOT give me my favorite shows online.  

The Glaze I made for Dinner:

Pros:

• It was delicious.
• It was quick and easy to make.
• I have a bunch of it left.

Cons:

• The flavor was a little too strong.
• I think I reduced it too much because it has the consistency of cold molasses. 
• I have a bunch of it left.

That's the end of this blog.  Right down there, where the words stop.  That's it.  Isn't it pretty?  Maybe you enjoyed this post; maybe you didn't.  Maybe you didn't read it because you went to the comic book store.  I don't know because ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!

The kind of shame you can't retcon away...

Welcome to Wiki Wednesday true believers. Here is a fun article that I found a while ago and it shall be the focus of our enjoyment this evening.

Now to be fair, I had heard about the Legion of Super-pets before and I never had any second thoughts about how ridiculous an idea they were.  When I found this article, however, wonderful memories returned to me all at once.  Not being on a first name basis with all the members, we'll discuss the more prominent characters involved.

Krypto the Superdog:  Krypto the Superdog is probably the most well known of all the legion.  He is Superboy's pet dog and has made many appearances in comics, t.v., and an honorary mention in the newest franchise film: Superman Returns.  Aside from being a lovable, super powered, Kryptonian's best friend; Krypto has a great and touching origin story.  Krypto was Superboy's pet dog on Krypton (where people commonly named household pets after their planet) before it exploded.  Krypto was loyal, loving, obedient, and protective of his owners.  This of course is why Superboy's father decided to use Krypto to test out his rocket prototype.  Here's how I imagine it:


"Well son, why don't I take your dog for a walk tonight.  Yes, everything will be fine.  Of course I won't use him to test any dangerous machines that will leave him wandering aimlessly through the depths of space until he finally lands, through sheer unbelievable coincidence, on the same planet you will after the rest of us have died in a fiery explosion that rends the very flesh from our bones."


Then Superboy gurgles because he's a baby and doesn't understand.  Real smooth Jor-El.


Streaky the Supercat: Streaky was Supergirl's normal earth cat until X-kryptonite radiation gave her superpowers.  I can't make this up folks.  X-kryptonite.  Based on my calculations so far that means kryptonite can: kill Superman, give normal people cancer, give Superman mood swings, make Superman lose his powers temporarily, make Superman gay, and give domestic animals powers comparable to Superman.  Seriously DC, where do we draw the line?


Beppo the Supermonkey:  Beppo, like Krypto is from Krypton.  He was originally one of Jor-El's test animals, but he stowed away in Superboy's rocket that was sent to earth when the planet exploded.  When they landed he went of unnoticed and had a bunch of super-shenanigans.  Just so we all understand, Jor-El had an extra test monkey that he clearly wouldn't be able to use after they all died when the planet Krypton exploded, and yet he stole his son's pet dog and tested out an experimental rocket on him?  Anyone else feel that this is a little bass-ackwards?


Comet the SuperHorse: I don't feel I can do this origin story justice, so Wikipedia: take it away.

Comet was Supergirl's pet horse and while in his human form as Bill Starr, her brief boyfriend. Comet also had a brief romance with Lois Lane in her comic book.

As he described to her telepathically, he was originally a centaur in ancient Greece named Biron. The witch Circe gave him a potion to turn him fully human, but by mistake made him fully horse instead. Unable to reverse the spell, she instead gave him superpowers, including immortality.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...bestiality.

Ace, the Bat Hound:  What's worse than being the only superhero with no actual superpowers?  Being the only superpet with no actual superpowers.  I mean really, Bruce Wayne couldn't have just had a normal dog? He had to dress him up and take him out fighting crime every night?  Speaking of Bruce Wayne, he was a billionaire.  If he insisted upon having an animal sidekick, why didn't he pick something really bad-ass like a bear, or a lion, or a genetically re-engineered T-rex?  What the Hell Batman?

Welcome to our first official TASTY TUESDAYS!!!

Today I'm going to share with you a recipe that is dear to my heart, mostly because it's in my stomach as I type. The amounts of the ingredients in this recipe can be adjusted at the discretion of the chef, as can the variety of seasonings.  I have put the amounts of each ingredient after the name for this reason.  I call this version the poor man's casserole.  The seasoning is very simple and consists of only salt and pepper.  I wanted to challenge myself to allow the food speak for itself.  I did well for the most part; though a little heavy on the pepper.  I would definitely try this recipe again.

Ingredients:

Ground beef (1/2 lb.)

Corn (14.5 oz can)

Two small yellow onions

Bread (3-4 slices--I used potato and Italian because it's what I had available)

Cheese (I used a shredded Italian blend with asiago because asiago makes everything better)

Olive oil

Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions:

• Pre-Heat the oven to ~300 degrees F and heat a frying pan with olive oil to med-low heat (around 3).
• Dice the onions, season, and add to the frying pan.
• Cook the onions until soft and delicious.  I've discovered that if you put a cover on your frying pan, the onions soften quicker and more evenly.
• While the onions are cooking: 
• Season your ground beef.
• Rip the bread into chunks and lay them in a baking pan.  You want enough bread to cover the bottom of the pan.
• Drizzle olive oil and season the pieces of bread evenly.
• Put the bread in the oven until crispy.  Make sure to keep an eye on it.  You want croutons, not rocks.  Remove when crispiness quotient is obtained.
• When the onions are done cooking, add the ground beef to the pan and cook until brown throughout.  Again, the lid on the frying pan speeds up the process.
• When the bread is removed from the oven, empty it onto a plate and increase the oven heat to ~375 F.
• When the beef is cooked, add the corn.  Adjust seasoning as necessary with the addition of each item to the pan.  Warm the corn/beef/onion mixture throughout.
• Pour the mixture in the frying pan into the baking pan.  Cover with croutons and sprinkle cheese over top.  Return to oven.  Bake until warm and cheese is melted.

Enjoy!  I thought it was pretty good for something I just pulled out of my butt today (which is saying something).  There are an infinite number of different possible variations on this recipe.  That being said: statistically speaking, many of them will taste horrible.  If you add your own favorite seasoning and try you favorite veggies instead of onions and corn, however, I'm sure you'll be pretty please with yourself.  

Ciao!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

'Lo folks.
I would like to apologize for the fact that last Thursday's update was non-existent.  That being said: get over it.  It's my blog and I'll update it when I'm good and ready.  Stop suffocating me!

THAT being said: I've developed a tentative schedule for how this blog will go from now on.  I did this because
1.) Schedules are fun, and
2.) The OCDemons were about to rip out my hypothalamus if I did not.

So here is the new (first!) schedule!

• Mondays will be ME MONDAYS!!!
• I will talk about me.  My life, my opinion and I might even write works of fiction from my mind.
• Tuesdays will be TASTY TUESDAYS!!!
• I will post original recipes that are original.  Sometimes they will be so original even I won't have tried them out yet!  
• Wednesdays will be WIKIPEDIA WEDNESDAYS!!!
• Those of us familiar with these days call them "Wiki Wednesdays."  I will find an interesting Wikipedia article and summarize/give my opinion/flair on it.  Is that enough slashes for ya?
• Last but not least, Thursdays will be referred to as the appropriately alliterated ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN THURSDAYS!!!
• Where ANYTHING can happen!

There you have it.  The schedule will be suspended only if:

1. There is a special holiday that falls on the day.
2. I forget about the schedule.
3. I feel like it, yo.

Now for an abridged ME MONDAY:

The reason there was no Thursday post is because I received a message from my mother saying that my older brother's wife had gone into labor (Did you follow all that?).  This is their first child and I am for the first time in my life an UNCLE!

That's right, I'm an uncle now.  My niece is the CUTEST THING EVER!!!  I got her a Spider-man diaper cover so she will be the coolest thing in a diaper (except for monkeys.  Fricken' awesome monkeys...).  I also got her a little basket of baby things before I traveled back to New York to see her.  I didn't know the gender at the time, so I got her the "yellow-themed" bag of stuff that had a yellow washcloth, plastic keys, a teddy bear rattle and a bottle with yellow giraffes on it because everyone knows that giraffes are gender neutral.

That's my life, that's my opinion, and that's the end of today's blog.  Next week: Harry Potter!

When Bob Barker has a barbecue...

Honestly, today I'm not in much of a writing mood, but to stick with the Monday through Thursday schedule that I've kept with so far, here's another recipe that I stumbled across:

I have a cookbook by Jamie Oliver called Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.  It is a wonderful book that is filled with simple, affordable, and delicious recipes.  One such recipe is for garlic crusted chicken and it is delicious.  I have made it twice now and earlier this week I attempted to modify the recipe and see what came of it.  What came of is was a breading that was too wet and became a paste on the chicken.  On the bright side, that paste was delicious.  So I have inadvertently discovered a recipe similar to those little hush puppy balls that they use to have in the dining hall (Bob Barker says "remember to have your pets spayed or neutered").  Here's how it goes:

Ingredients:

• Twelve Saltine Crackers
• One bag of baby carrots
• One sweet onion
• Olive oil
• Salt and pepper

Directions:

Place Crackers, two handfuls of baby carrots and one diced and peeled onion into a food processor.  Add a little salt and pepper to taste.

Pulse until you have finely chopped paste (The moisture from the carrots and the onion should make the paste just fine as I found out the hard way).

Get a relatively deep pan filled with enough olive oil to deep fry your dumplings.

Form the paste into balls using either your hands or the double spoon technique.

Drop the balls into the hot oil and fry until golden brown.

Enjoy!

Warning!  While I have had the above fried and on top of my chicken, I have not technically had this exact recipe as is.  I plan on trying it in the near future, but if something strange occurs (for instance-nuclear fusion) I am not to be held liable for damages.  Also when you get your Nobel prize for affordable and successful nuclear fusion, mention me if you don't mind.

Beware the Hoggerwok my son...

Happy Whistle-pig's day my friends!

     Now I know that Groundhog's day is an unappreciated holiday unless you live in Punxsutawney, and for those of you from Punxsutawney: get off your high horse.  It's a rodent.
     That being said, let's celebrate this joyous occasion by talking about how awesome the noble land-beaver is. Below I have compiled a list of wonderful attributes that the woodchuck has been blessed with.

1. Groundhogs are excellent burrowers.

• No, really, they are.  On average a groundhog moves approximately 710 lbs of dirt when digging a burrow.  That's the same as a groundhog lifting a sack full of four grown men and throwing them out of the way.  

     2.  Groundhogs are accomplished swimmer, excellent climbers, and can defend themselves with large incisors and front claws.

• As a comparison, I want you to imagine Michael Phelps, the American Gladiator "Rocket", and Raticate all mixed together in one furry four to nine pound package.  Now go change your pants.  I'll wait.

      3.  Groundhogs will whistle to alert the reset of the colony to impending danger.

• Considering the terror of #2, I wouldn't want to take a groundhog by surprise.  Taking on a whole colony on high alert?  Screw it, I'd rather face Zombie Raptors.

      4.  Doug Schwartz at the Staten Island Zoo says, "They’re known for their aggression, so you’re starting from a hard place. [The groundhog's] natural impulse is to kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out."

• Enough said.

There you have it ladies and gents.  Groundhogs are the vicious killers of the plains.  Also, private research has discovered that the average ground hog has 562 HP and will usually know the moves Dig, Rock Tomb, and Eye Gouge.  Also, Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck.  His first name is Wood.

Anyway, I have to go take my trash out now...Aw damn it!  It's snowing.  Thanks you furry little bastard.

This Blog Post is dedicated to my dear friend Wallace of Alfred, NY.  I miss you buddy!

Rupies rupies rupies!!! Ha ha ha...Rupies!

     Tonight I will tell you the tale of a recent dream I had.  This is a special treat because there is no way you can truly relate to it since it happened illogically in my head.

     You're welcome.

     The story starts by travelling through a heavy mist of poor memory to a few years ago.  This is when I had the dream the first time.  It started with me in a prodigious hedge maze that had been covered by the black curtain of a moonless night.  I couldn't see, but the eerie sounds of my dreary surroundings kept accosting my ears.  I had to move slowly through the maze, trying to find my way out.  Others were in the maze, but I did not acknowledge them.
     Eventually I stumbled out of the maze and found myself at the edge of a haunted swamp.  I could hear something in the darkness behind me; coming for me.  The swamp ahead held fear and mystery, but the maze behind held fear and some very angry thing.  I decided to chance the swamp.
     I jumped upon the first log, a piece of driftwood, and almost slid right off into the evil depths.  I knew that I couldn't fall in or it would be the end.  I managed to slowly make my way jump by jump as if in some horrid game of frogger, but with each movement the thing behind me got closer.  I dared not look back for fear of it catching up.  Instead I pressed forward more frantically with each passing second until I manage to make it to a dock.  At this point, I had managed to elude my pursuer.
     I moved forward on the dock until I reached a large square piece with two platforms on either side.  This is when a haunted suit of armor jumped onto the dock with me.  He had a clearly labelled life bar, a sword that shot magic, and a bad attitude.  The rest of the dream involved me fighting him with magic.  By the way, for you others still in the hedge maze--he's weak against fire.

   A few nights ago I had the same dream.  It started as a different dream but quickly two-wheel motorized carted it's way into the haunted swamp.  I bypassed the hedge maze like this:
I was running in a field in one dream as it transitioned into the other dream.  I saw the hedge maze ahead of me, remembered it from before, and ran the hell around it.
     Something was chasing me again this time, but I began to recall my surroundings from last time.  I actually thought to myself "I remember this from the last time I dreamed it" and began to Dragonball Z my way across the driftwood infested waters.  I reached the dock/boss fight again and couldn't figure out how to hurt him.  Then I used my telekinesis (which I got at level 20) to throw some nearby jack-o-lanterns at him.  When the lanterns hit him, they exploded into a small ball of flame and then I remembered that he was weak against fire!  So I started summoning my meteor of destruction and promptly woke up before the ass kicking could really get started.

I looked the main symbols up in my dream book and have determined that either I:

1. Hate my parents.
2. Am gay.
3. Need to stop eating bean and cheese burritos right before bed.

Ah well, I just finish my Bomb and I'm going to bed.

Night!

What's left when all the good things are gone?

I'm going to get real with you all this time around.  No playful banter.  No witty repartee.  Just straight up serious business.

Like the Twilight movies.

Myself and a friend of mine were talking about stuff today and came to a realization that nothing lasts forever.  I know that this isn't news to a lot of you, but have you ever really thought about it?  I don't mean friends, or family, or pets, or even that one banana that you really meant to eat but just never had the time and now it's been pushed to the back of the fridge where it slowly turns blacker and blacker as the last traces of it's little banana innocence fade away leaving only feelings of betrayal and sadness.  I mean real things.  Things that define generations.

Think about it.  Remember growing up with the ninja turtles?  I do.  I know that the ninja turtles are still around and on TV, but they aren't the real ninja turtles.  They're the ninja turtle equivalent of the shopping mall Santa Claus; fun to sit on, but lacking that true magic that makes it worthwhile.  How am I going to explain to my children the wonders of The Shredder's hencemen -- BeBop and Rock Steady?

"There was a Rhino, you see.  And a Warthog.  And one was dressed up in camo pants and the other had a Mohawk, but they were still friends."

If you think that's hard to explain, imagine the Krang talk:

"He was a Brain.  In a jar.  I know how that sounds but he was cool.  And he was the Shredder's boss."
"Yeah right Dad.  Real cool.
"No!  Listen!  He could put his jar in a robot's abdomen and fight with the robot.  Well, he couldn't put the jar there, Shredder had to."

My children will just stare at me with blank looks, waiting for my old person rant to finish.
Sure.  Maybe we could be okay if it was only the ninja turtles we were loosing, but it won't end there.  We've already lost M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice isn't too far behind.  Not just them, but their fashions too.  You just can't walk around wearing pants like that anymore.  Society won't allow it.

Remember the Power Rangers?  I mean the good, original, "teenagers with attitude" Power Rangers.  They're being buried under a pile of cheap copies, and not the good cheap copies.  When the old Rangers were in...well, Power...people tried to capitalize on the idea of groups of young people with powers saving the world.  Anyone remember The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog? 

How about V.R. Troopers? 




Or even...BeetleBorgs.  

Things were simpler back then.  All you needed was one white guy, one black guy, and a girl.  Throw in a theme song that consists of the show's name repeated for thirty seconds and BAMB!  A hit series.

All I'm saying is if we're not careful, what's next?  How many pieces of our (pop)culture do we need to lose before we take a stand?  Which will be the last straw?
Bill Cosby (Shoobedobop)?

Harry Potter (Bother)?
 
Or, dare I say it...Chuck Norris?

If that's what the future has to offer, than I want no part of it.

Look at me, embedding videos.  Aren't I just too awesome?

All the pretty girls beware...

I come to you tonight to warn you of a great evil.  My family has been hunting an ageless beast for generations.  Throughout the centuries, a dark horror has lived in the shadows.  It claims the most beautiful maidens of an age and then moves onward blending in with the times.  We have hunted the evil relentlessly and I fear that we may be losing any hope.  I have to tell you about this.  I have to warn you before it's too late.  It's all around you and you can't even see it because you are under it's spell.  It's name has changed with the times, but you know it as:

Cate Blanchett.

I know what you're thinking.  "Cate Blanchett?  That's crazy talk.  She looks so beautiful and pure."

I agree with you.  In fact, I'll go a step further and say that her beauty is timeless.  But her beauty and purity alike are not her own.  You see, she is a creature of the night now.  Perhaps at one point she was a normal person who had to face her own mortality like the rest of us.  Perhaps she never meant for things to be the way they are.  I don't know.  All I know is what she is now.

You see, her beauty and purity are nothing more than illusions; side effects of her devious doings.  As she gets older, her beauty fades.  When it gets to a point where her lustful eyes cannot bear the sight of her reflection anymore, she feeds again.  She slinks off into the night, steals another beautiful maiden and sucks out their youth.   Then she moves on and waits until the world has forgotten her face before stepping into the spotlight again.

Now she is in the public's eye!  No one can remember her from the last time she grabbed the world's attention.  Now is our chance!  Before she disappears again, we must unite against her and take her down once and for all!

I cannot do it alone.  She is protected by three ageless maidens which I have dubbed her "Blanch-ettes."  Due to my families unending quest against her, there has never been time enough to procreate an army.  There is only me.  If I could only rally a handful to my cause, we might have a chance!  Please,  for the sake of our beautiful daughters, nieces, and cousins: help me.

If we don't do something now, she'll disappear.  I guarantee you, that you'll never see age touch her face.  She will simply be gone before that happens and our last chance will go with her.  Remember:

If you don't fight, Cate Blanchett wins.




(On a side note:  The above is a work of parody and in no way reflects my honest opinion about Cate Blanchett and her unholy ability to suck the youth out of small children)

Worst of the worst...

So a friend of mine sent me a link to Virgin Medias, worst movies titles ever III.  Not one, not two, but three.  I looked through all three lists and found a few in each that reached above and beyond the others, so I have compressed the list here to MY favorite worst titles ever (Links included).

Zombie Strippers (2007)
Alright.  Now there is a reason why this made it on the list and Zombies, Zombies, Zombies And Strippers did not.  First of all, it is a more recent release and therefore has no excuse to be so poorly titled.  That would be as ridiculous as a famous pop culture icon of today (let's say Samuel Jackson) insisting on naming a movie some thing like...I don't know...Snakes on a Plane.  Secondly, I have personally seen the trailer for this movie and it lives up to it's name-in spades.  A taste of the dialogue:
Stripper 1 - "We can't hurt them, they're strippers like us!"
Stripper 2 - "Their Zombies"
Jenna Jameson - "Their Zombie Strippers!" Cocks Shotgun.
The last reason Zombie Strippers made the list is that it has Jenna Jameson in it, Q.E.D.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Again, a few personal reasons for this one making the list:
1.)I actually watched it (or part of it) when I was a lot younger.
2.)The tagline baffles me more than the title.  I mean seriously?  Killer Klowns from Outer Space: okay.  It's descriptive and has some artsy alliteration.  But "In space no one can eat ice cream?"  What the Hell?
3.)In relation to point one: I don't remember much of the movie, but the one part that has stuck with me since childhood is one of the clowns hiding in a trash can and through a piece of popcorn on the ground.  Alien Popcorn.  The Alien Popcorn then grows into...something...uh...bad.  It was a long time ago, okay? I forget.

Surf Nazis Must Die! (1987)
Other than the fact that this was made in the year I was born, the cover itself is what secured it's place in this list.  I can handle a Nazi on a surfboard.  I can even deal with the machine gun, horse stance, and apparent metal crab claw.  But the chainsaw attached to the surfboard?  Now you have gone too far!

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid (1986)
Aside from the fact that this title would have made me squirt water out of my nose (had I been drinking water at the time), I can only say one thing to this.

Yes.  Yes he does.

Killer Condom: The Condom that Rubs you Out (1997)
First of all, the title is actually relatively clever (relative to things like Surf Nazi's Must Die, of course).  That being said, how long of a movie can this be?  Sure, a killer condom with teeth will strike fear into the loins of any man, but then what?  After the condom kills it's first victim, what happens?  Nobody is going to put that condom on after that, it's been used.  That's just gross

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid (2004)
Not to be confused with Oh My!  Zombie Mermaid? I'm not sure what this movie is about, but the cover is just awesome.  As far as I can tell it's a tale about an ancient Chinese warrior who breaks into a castle to find his lover (a mermaid) being held captive by a blond haired zombie Mafia.  Overcome with rage he kicks something off screen to bring the movie to a resolution.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Santa With Muscles (1996)
Our Cream of the Crop for today.  I have personally watched this movie recently with my girlfriend.  It has all the necessary ingredients to be the best movie of all time.  It has Hulk Hogan, Santa Claus(Played By Hulk Hogan), a germophobic villain who wears a hazmat suit around, and an epic final battle between Hulk Hogan in his decked out (Bedazzled) Santa duds and said villain in the hazmat suit in an underground cavern beneath an orphanage with crystals that are unstable and prone to explosion being used as swords.

I shit you not.

And there you have it folks.

Pushing forward into a new world...

It is the year xxxx.  It is the xxth night of the x(x)th month.  Overly generic cliches run amok in th streets of rotham city.  Everything went horribly wrong after the Fifty-twelfth president took office.  At least, that's what they say.  I can't remember anything from before the bombs.

They say it was horrifying.  A true Hell on earth.  Maybe it was, I don't know.  All I remember is a flash of light, and then I was born.  From the wreckage the survivors began to crawl forward on their hands and knees toward an impossible future.  Some ran and grabbed what they could by any means necessary.  Some tried to hold on to the old ideals of truth, and justice.  Some were turned, by some horrible turn of events, into freaks.

Like me.

I knew that those who tried to hold on to the "rules" wouldn't last long in this chaos.  I had to be the one to protect them.  I had to break the rules myself to do that.  I worked quickly, grabbing the prime real estate that was left amidst the rubble.  A shabby run down motel that seemed to have been left unscathed for no other purpose than to mock us.  It was my mansion; it would be my home.

On the outside, I was a King among peasants.  Untouchable, unattainable, I worked night after night in my castle.  I quickly and quietly spread rumors about myself.  In the shadows, I whispered stories about the hundreds the "millionaire" had on his payroll to protect him.    I kept my feelers on the pulse of this new world.  Whenever the ideas began to be formed to take from the richest man in town, I would turn the focus to a new, disposable target.

I had to get my hands dirty, but the results were absolutely necessary.  I needed my sanctuary; my base of operations.  From here I would protect the lowly and downtrodden, even if it meant acting the villain as a cover.    I formed my costume first.  Rags and scraps were sown together with makeshift pieces of armor.  The plating covered my back mostly.  I would have to evade any attacks to the front.  Armed with a grappling hook and a lead pipe, I took to the night.

I controlled the outbursts of crime, protected the innocent, and left before any could even thank me.  Rumors began about my superhuman nature, and they were all true.  Well, not the one about me having a hunchback and a 9 foot...nevermind.

Whatever had caused me to lose everything in the nuclear war, had given me so much more.  I was so much faster than a normal human.  I could outrun most cars at my fastest.  I no longer felt the effects of aging and nothing less than a straight shot to the head or heart could take me down.  I was the invincible.  I was immortal.  Too this day I fight, because I'm the only one that can.  I will be here long after the last traces of humanity are gone.

I am...the American Roach.

When all that's left is your gaping face hole...

Howdy everyone,

We have a special treat for you today.  It's called experimental college cooking class.  This is basically how it works.  I enjoy food.  I also happen to enjoy cooking.  Thirdly, I'm pretty fond of not being broke.  So essentially, I like to experiment with cooking while only using fairly cheap ingredients and see if I can get a gourmet meal out of it.

So far, no luck.

Well, it may not be gourmet, but I have managed to stumble across some pretty tasty crazy ideas in my recently domesticated life.  Here's one I made just this week on the fly.  The ingredients are cheap and easy to find and the techniques you'll need to cook it are simple as well.

Now grab your frying pan and get ready, my poor college brethren.  In the immortal words of the king of comedy himself:

Here...we...go.

Ingredients:
1 package raman noodles (it doesn't matter what flavor, we won't be using the seasoning)
1 14oz can of diced tomatoes
2-3 cloves of garlic
1-2 glugs olive oil (if you don't know what a glug is, that's okay.  Neither do I, just buy a bottle).
salt
pepper
parsley (feel free to get the cheap dried stuff, that's what I did).
1 package frozen breaded chicken patties (You'll only need 1 or 2 patties depending on how hungry you are. I'm a fatty, so I had four)

Directions:
Now it's very important you follow these directions exactly.  If you don't, untold horrors will abound upon you and your kitchen.  That being said, it clearly follows that if this dish tastes terrible, it is your fault.

• Follow the directions on the chicken patty package for cooking the patties.  Preheat the oven first.  Add the patties to the hot oven after the water starts boiling (see step two).  Everything else won't take too long.
• Okay, first get a pot of water boiling.  This is for cooking the Raman.  I know these directions are on the package, but I'll walk you through them here for those of you who can't read.
• Once the water is boiling, add the noodles.  Some people break the noodles beforehand.  I usually just add the whole sha-bang at once.
• Alright, now while the noodles are cooking, lightly coat the bottom of a frying pan with olive oil and bring to a low heat (around three).
• Roughly dice the garlic cloves and add them to the hot oil.  Keep an eye on them so that they don't burn.  They should never get darker than a light brown color. 
• While your garlic and noodles are cooking, empty your can of diced tomatoes into a bowl.  Mix in the salt, pepper, and parsley to taste.  This is the primary source of deliciousness for the meal, so don't be afraid to keep testing it until it's just right for your palette.  Just don't let the garlic burn!
• When the noodles are done (tender) strain off all the water.  You can use a strainer, the lid of the pot, or grab each individual piece out with your hand.  I don't really care.  Just separate the water from the noodles, got it?
• Let the noodles rest for a bit while you heat up your tomatoes.  Take your mixture of tomatoes and deliciousness and add it to the frying pan with the garlic and oil.  I'd turn the stove down to 2 or low right about now.  We just want to heat the mixture, not cook anything.  That's the important thing.
• Once your tomatoes and everything are nice and hot and delicious, add the noodles.  That's right, in the frying pan.  We're getting crazy in here.
• Mix the noodles and sauce thoroughly and get your chicken out of the oven.  Slice the chicken patty into strips.  
• Place the noodles and sauce into a bowl/plate and lay the chicken strips on top in a fancy arrangement. Remember, presentation is EVERYTHING.  If your food doesn't look good, it won't taste good.  This is probably a good life lesson as well.

Voila!  (That's French for "meal time")  You are done with you delicious, inexpensive, slightly ghetto meal.  Enjoy.  Once you're familiar with the basic recipe, try adjusting little things and see how the flavors turn out.  Different spices are a good change, but don't be a Maverick!  If you've got a special someone coming over, I suggest trying a little cilantro in your sauce instead of parsley.  That ought to let them know how you feel.  Remember, nothing says "I Love you" like fresh herbs in canned tomatoes.

I challenge thee...

            Before we get started, let's get serious for just a second.  Take a minute and say a prayer for the people of Haiti.  They're going through a tough time right now and they need all the help they can get.  If you've got a little extra to donate, go ahead.  If not, just keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Okay, back to business.

            So, how about that Mystery Google?
            For those of you who don't know what Mystery Google is (and were just too lazy to be bothered with my lovingly created link), let me enlighten you.  Mystery Google is a search engine where you type a set of words into the search bar (like normal) and then press the "search" button (still normal). Finally you get the search results of what the person before you typed in (say what?).
            Now I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking:
            "I really want some cheesecake."
             But I want you to focus for a second, fatty.  You can have your dairy getaway when we're done here.
             Now what you should be thinking is "Who would want to use that?  A search engine is for finding what I searched for."  I completely agree sir or madam.  Who would want that?  A lonely, lonely person looking for some entertainment on a Friday night.  That's who.  I assume.
             Alright, moving on.
             So while checking out this site, purely for research purposes of course, I discovered something else.  People apparently decide it's a great idea to search for their own contact information with little messages attached.  This is so that the next completely random person can then use this contact information to, well, contact them.  So after several encounters with such search results, I decided to join in the fun.
              First I found a young man's e-mail with a note asking for hot chicks to e-mail him so they could "talk."  This message came up not once, but several times in a short period of time.  So, to inform said young man about the "copy" and "paste" functions of computers these days, I made some adjustments to his initial chauvinistic message.  Let's just say that the online community may have been confused about gender and/or sexual preference.  Don't worry though, I left his request to "talk" as it was.
              Now the second enjoyable part of this experience can only be explained by letting you experience it as I did.  The following is a AIM session between me and another person who left his screen name online in an attempt to meet new people.  I've changed the screen names for his and my protection.  I am "ME" and he is "HIM."

ME (9:52:09 PM): hiya, got your mystery message. S'up?

HIM (9:55:57 PM): not much, you?

 ME (9:56:12 PM): meh, not a whole lot

HIM (9:56:55 PM): cool

ME  (9:57:28 PM): yeah, I suppose if anything big was going on, neither of us would have been on Mystery Google

HIM (9:57:57 PM): probably not lol

ME  (9:59:44 PM): Chat with random people a lot?

HIM (10:00:00 PM): every once in a while

HIM (10:00:01 PM): you?

ME  (10:00:07 PM): not really

ME  (10:00:17 PM): are you ever worried that one of them is

ME  (10:00:18 PM): you know

ME  (10:00:21 PM): a velociraptor?

HIM is offline (10:00:36 PM)


There you have it folks.  Within 15 seconds of changing the subject this guy leaves me hanging.  How rude.


So there you have it folks, I hereby issue a challenge.  Go on said "Mystery Google" and find yourself another fool who doesn't seem to understand that internet anonymity doesn't make them invincible.  The rules are as follows:

1. It must be anonymous.
2. You  must either let the person lead the conversation at first OR you must start with a normal subject.
3. After a short while you must drastically change the subject.  No gently nudging into it.  One second it's the weather and the next war torn unicorns.
4. Whoever has the shortest time between the change of subject and the other person ending the conversation wins.
   
   

This is your mission.  Report back to me with your findings and the conversations themselves if you can.

Before I let you go, one last piece of food for thought:

Imaginary Hamburgers.