What's left when all the good things are gone?

I'm going to get real with you all this time around.  No playful banter.  No witty repartee.  Just straight up serious business.

Like the Twilight movies.

Myself and a friend of mine were talking about stuff today and came to a realization that nothing lasts forever.  I know that this isn't news to a lot of you, but have you ever really thought about it?  I don't mean friends, or family, or pets, or even that one banana that you really meant to eat but just never had the time and now it's been pushed to the back of the fridge where it slowly turns blacker and blacker as the last traces of it's little banana innocence fade away leaving only feelings of betrayal and sadness.  I mean real things.  Things that define generations.

Think about it.  Remember growing up with the ninja turtles?  I do.  I know that the ninja turtles are still around and on TV, but they aren't the real ninja turtles.  They're the ninja turtle equivalent of the shopping mall Santa Claus; fun to sit on, but lacking that true magic that makes it worthwhile.  How am I going to explain to my children the wonders of The Shredder's hencemen -- BeBop and Rock Steady?

"There was a Rhino, you see.  And a Warthog.  And one was dressed up in camo pants and the other had a Mohawk, but they were still friends."

If you think that's hard to explain, imagine the Krang talk:

"He was a Brain.  In a jar.  I know how that sounds but he was cool.  And he was the Shredder's boss."
"Yeah right Dad.  Real cool.
"No!  Listen!  He could put his jar in a robot's abdomen and fight with the robot.  Well, he couldn't put the jar there, Shredder had to."

My children will just stare at me with blank looks, waiting for my old person rant to finish.
Sure.  Maybe we could be okay if it was only the ninja turtles we were loosing, but it won't end there.  We've already lost M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice isn't too far behind.  Not just them, but their fashions too.  You just can't walk around wearing pants like that anymore.  Society won't allow it.

Remember the Power Rangers?  I mean the good, original, "teenagers with attitude" Power Rangers.  They're being buried under a pile of cheap copies, and not the good cheap copies.  When the old Rangers were in...well, Power...people tried to capitalize on the idea of groups of young people with powers saving the world.  Anyone remember The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog? 

How about V.R. Troopers? 




Or even...BeetleBorgs.  

Things were simpler back then.  All you needed was one white guy, one black guy, and a girl.  Throw in a theme song that consists of the show's name repeated for thirty seconds and BAMB!  A hit series.

All I'm saying is if we're not careful, what's next?  How many pieces of our (pop)culture do we need to lose before we take a stand?  Which will be the last straw?
Bill Cosby (Shoobedobop)?

Harry Potter (Bother)?
 
Or, dare I say it...Chuck Norris?

If that's what the future has to offer, than I want no part of it.

Look at me, embedding videos.  Aren't I just too awesome?

All the pretty girls beware...

I come to you tonight to warn you of a great evil.  My family has been hunting an ageless beast for generations.  Throughout the centuries, a dark horror has lived in the shadows.  It claims the most beautiful maidens of an age and then moves onward blending in with the times.  We have hunted the evil relentlessly and I fear that we may be losing any hope.  I have to tell you about this.  I have to warn you before it's too late.  It's all around you and you can't even see it because you are under it's spell.  It's name has changed with the times, but you know it as:

Cate Blanchett.

I know what you're thinking.  "Cate Blanchett?  That's crazy talk.  She looks so beautiful and pure."

I agree with you.  In fact, I'll go a step further and say that her beauty is timeless.  But her beauty and purity alike are not her own.  You see, she is a creature of the night now.  Perhaps at one point she was a normal person who had to face her own mortality like the rest of us.  Perhaps she never meant for things to be the way they are.  I don't know.  All I know is what she is now.

You see, her beauty and purity are nothing more than illusions; side effects of her devious doings.  As she gets older, her beauty fades.  When it gets to a point where her lustful eyes cannot bear the sight of her reflection anymore, she feeds again.  She slinks off into the night, steals another beautiful maiden and sucks out their youth.   Then she moves on and waits until the world has forgotten her face before stepping into the spotlight again.

Now she is in the public's eye!  No one can remember her from the last time she grabbed the world's attention.  Now is our chance!  Before she disappears again, we must unite against her and take her down once and for all!

I cannot do it alone.  She is protected by three ageless maidens which I have dubbed her "Blanch-ettes."  Due to my families unending quest against her, there has never been time enough to procreate an army.  There is only me.  If I could only rally a handful to my cause, we might have a chance!  Please,  for the sake of our beautiful daughters, nieces, and cousins: help me.

If we don't do something now, she'll disappear.  I guarantee you, that you'll never see age touch her face.  She will simply be gone before that happens and our last chance will go with her.  Remember:

If you don't fight, Cate Blanchett wins.




(On a side note:  The above is a work of parody and in no way reflects my honest opinion about Cate Blanchett and her unholy ability to suck the youth out of small children)

Worst of the worst...

So a friend of mine sent me a link to Virgin Medias, worst movies titles ever III.  Not one, not two, but three.  I looked through all three lists and found a few in each that reached above and beyond the others, so I have compressed the list here to MY favorite worst titles ever (Links included).

Zombie Strippers (2007)
Alright.  Now there is a reason why this made it on the list and Zombies, Zombies, Zombies And Strippers did not.  First of all, it is a more recent release and therefore has no excuse to be so poorly titled.  That would be as ridiculous as a famous pop culture icon of today (let's say Samuel Jackson) insisting on naming a movie some thing like...I don't know...Snakes on a Plane.  Secondly, I have personally seen the trailer for this movie and it lives up to it's name-in spades.  A taste of the dialogue:
Stripper 1 - "We can't hurt them, they're strippers like us!"
Stripper 2 - "Their Zombies"
Jenna Jameson - "Their Zombie Strippers!" Cocks Shotgun.
The last reason Zombie Strippers made the list is that it has Jenna Jameson in it, Q.E.D.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Again, a few personal reasons for this one making the list:
1.)I actually watched it (or part of it) when I was a lot younger.
2.)The tagline baffles me more than the title.  I mean seriously?  Killer Klowns from Outer Space: okay.  It's descriptive and has some artsy alliteration.  But "In space no one can eat ice cream?"  What the Hell?
3.)In relation to point one: I don't remember much of the movie, but the one part that has stuck with me since childhood is one of the clowns hiding in a trash can and through a piece of popcorn on the ground.  Alien Popcorn.  The Alien Popcorn then grows into...something...uh...bad.  It was a long time ago, okay? I forget.

Surf Nazis Must Die! (1987)
Other than the fact that this was made in the year I was born, the cover itself is what secured it's place in this list.  I can handle a Nazi on a surfboard.  I can even deal with the machine gun, horse stance, and apparent metal crab claw.  But the chainsaw attached to the surfboard?  Now you have gone too far!

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid (1986)
Aside from the fact that this title would have made me squirt water out of my nose (had I been drinking water at the time), I can only say one thing to this.

Yes.  Yes he does.

Killer Condom: The Condom that Rubs you Out (1997)
First of all, the title is actually relatively clever (relative to things like Surf Nazi's Must Die, of course).  That being said, how long of a movie can this be?  Sure, a killer condom with teeth will strike fear into the loins of any man, but then what?  After the condom kills it's first victim, what happens?  Nobody is going to put that condom on after that, it's been used.  That's just gross

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid (2004)
Not to be confused with Oh My!  Zombie Mermaid? I'm not sure what this movie is about, but the cover is just awesome.  As far as I can tell it's a tale about an ancient Chinese warrior who breaks into a castle to find his lover (a mermaid) being held captive by a blond haired zombie Mafia.  Overcome with rage he kicks something off screen to bring the movie to a resolution.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Santa With Muscles (1996)
Our Cream of the Crop for today.  I have personally watched this movie recently with my girlfriend.  It has all the necessary ingredients to be the best movie of all time.  It has Hulk Hogan, Santa Claus(Played By Hulk Hogan), a germophobic villain who wears a hazmat suit around, and an epic final battle between Hulk Hogan in his decked out (Bedazzled) Santa duds and said villain in the hazmat suit in an underground cavern beneath an orphanage with crystals that are unstable and prone to explosion being used as swords.

I shit you not.

And there you have it folks.

Pushing forward into a new world...

It is the year xxxx.  It is the xxth night of the x(x)th month.  Overly generic cliches run amok in th streets of rotham city.  Everything went horribly wrong after the Fifty-twelfth president took office.  At least, that's what they say.  I can't remember anything from before the bombs.

They say it was horrifying.  A true Hell on earth.  Maybe it was, I don't know.  All I remember is a flash of light, and then I was born.  From the wreckage the survivors began to crawl forward on their hands and knees toward an impossible future.  Some ran and grabbed what they could by any means necessary.  Some tried to hold on to the old ideals of truth, and justice.  Some were turned, by some horrible turn of events, into freaks.

Like me.

I knew that those who tried to hold on to the "rules" wouldn't last long in this chaos.  I had to be the one to protect them.  I had to break the rules myself to do that.  I worked quickly, grabbing the prime real estate that was left amidst the rubble.  A shabby run down motel that seemed to have been left unscathed for no other purpose than to mock us.  It was my mansion; it would be my home.

On the outside, I was a King among peasants.  Untouchable, unattainable, I worked night after night in my castle.  I quickly and quietly spread rumors about myself.  In the shadows, I whispered stories about the hundreds the "millionaire" had on his payroll to protect him.    I kept my feelers on the pulse of this new world.  Whenever the ideas began to be formed to take from the richest man in town, I would turn the focus to a new, disposable target.

I had to get my hands dirty, but the results were absolutely necessary.  I needed my sanctuary; my base of operations.  From here I would protect the lowly and downtrodden, even if it meant acting the villain as a cover.    I formed my costume first.  Rags and scraps were sown together with makeshift pieces of armor.  The plating covered my back mostly.  I would have to evade any attacks to the front.  Armed with a grappling hook and a lead pipe, I took to the night.

I controlled the outbursts of crime, protected the innocent, and left before any could even thank me.  Rumors began about my superhuman nature, and they were all true.  Well, not the one about me having a hunchback and a 9 foot...nevermind.

Whatever had caused me to lose everything in the nuclear war, had given me so much more.  I was so much faster than a normal human.  I could outrun most cars at my fastest.  I no longer felt the effects of aging and nothing less than a straight shot to the head or heart could take me down.  I was the invincible.  I was immortal.  Too this day I fight, because I'm the only one that can.  I will be here long after the last traces of humanity are gone.

I am...the American Roach.

When all that's left is your gaping face hole...

Howdy everyone,

We have a special treat for you today.  It's called experimental college cooking class.  This is basically how it works.  I enjoy food.  I also happen to enjoy cooking.  Thirdly, I'm pretty fond of not being broke.  So essentially, I like to experiment with cooking while only using fairly cheap ingredients and see if I can get a gourmet meal out of it.

So far, no luck.

Well, it may not be gourmet, but I have managed to stumble across some pretty tasty crazy ideas in my recently domesticated life.  Here's one I made just this week on the fly.  The ingredients are cheap and easy to find and the techniques you'll need to cook it are simple as well.

Now grab your frying pan and get ready, my poor college brethren.  In the immortal words of the king of comedy himself:

Here...we...go.

Ingredients:
1 package raman noodles (it doesn't matter what flavor, we won't be using the seasoning)
1 14oz can of diced tomatoes
2-3 cloves of garlic
1-2 glugs olive oil (if you don't know what a glug is, that's okay.  Neither do I, just buy a bottle).
salt
pepper
parsley (feel free to get the cheap dried stuff, that's what I did).
1 package frozen breaded chicken patties (You'll only need 1 or 2 patties depending on how hungry you are. I'm a fatty, so I had four)

Directions:
Now it's very important you follow these directions exactly.  If you don't, untold horrors will abound upon you and your kitchen.  That being said, it clearly follows that if this dish tastes terrible, it is your fault.

• Follow the directions on the chicken patty package for cooking the patties.  Preheat the oven first.  Add the patties to the hot oven after the water starts boiling (see step two).  Everything else won't take too long.
• Okay, first get a pot of water boiling.  This is for cooking the Raman.  I know these directions are on the package, but I'll walk you through them here for those of you who can't read.
• Once the water is boiling, add the noodles.  Some people break the noodles beforehand.  I usually just add the whole sha-bang at once.
• Alright, now while the noodles are cooking, lightly coat the bottom of a frying pan with olive oil and bring to a low heat (around three).
• Roughly dice the garlic cloves and add them to the hot oil.  Keep an eye on them so that they don't burn.  They should never get darker than a light brown color. 
• While your garlic and noodles are cooking, empty your can of diced tomatoes into a bowl.  Mix in the salt, pepper, and parsley to taste.  This is the primary source of deliciousness for the meal, so don't be afraid to keep testing it until it's just right for your palette.  Just don't let the garlic burn!
• When the noodles are done (tender) strain off all the water.  You can use a strainer, the lid of the pot, or grab each individual piece out with your hand.  I don't really care.  Just separate the water from the noodles, got it?
• Let the noodles rest for a bit while you heat up your tomatoes.  Take your mixture of tomatoes and deliciousness and add it to the frying pan with the garlic and oil.  I'd turn the stove down to 2 or low right about now.  We just want to heat the mixture, not cook anything.  That's the important thing.
• Once your tomatoes and everything are nice and hot and delicious, add the noodles.  That's right, in the frying pan.  We're getting crazy in here.
• Mix the noodles and sauce thoroughly and get your chicken out of the oven.  Slice the chicken patty into strips.  
• Place the noodles and sauce into a bowl/plate and lay the chicken strips on top in a fancy arrangement. Remember, presentation is EVERYTHING.  If your food doesn't look good, it won't taste good.  This is probably a good life lesson as well.

Voila!  (That's French for "meal time")  You are done with you delicious, inexpensive, slightly ghetto meal.  Enjoy.  Once you're familiar with the basic recipe, try adjusting little things and see how the flavors turn out.  Different spices are a good change, but don't be a Maverick!  If you've got a special someone coming over, I suggest trying a little cilantro in your sauce instead of parsley.  That ought to let them know how you feel.  Remember, nothing says "I Love you" like fresh herbs in canned tomatoes.

I challenge thee...

            Before we get started, let's get serious for just a second.  Take a minute and say a prayer for the people of Haiti.  They're going through a tough time right now and they need all the help they can get.  If you've got a little extra to donate, go ahead.  If not, just keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Okay, back to business.

            So, how about that Mystery Google?
            For those of you who don't know what Mystery Google is (and were just too lazy to be bothered with my lovingly created link), let me enlighten you.  Mystery Google is a search engine where you type a set of words into the search bar (like normal) and then press the "search" button (still normal). Finally you get the search results of what the person before you typed in (say what?).
            Now I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking:
            "I really want some cheesecake."
             But I want you to focus for a second, fatty.  You can have your dairy getaway when we're done here.
             Now what you should be thinking is "Who would want to use that?  A search engine is for finding what I searched for."  I completely agree sir or madam.  Who would want that?  A lonely, lonely person looking for some entertainment on a Friday night.  That's who.  I assume.
             Alright, moving on.
             So while checking out this site, purely for research purposes of course, I discovered something else.  People apparently decide it's a great idea to search for their own contact information with little messages attached.  This is so that the next completely random person can then use this contact information to, well, contact them.  So after several encounters with such search results, I decided to join in the fun.
              First I found a young man's e-mail with a note asking for hot chicks to e-mail him so they could "talk."  This message came up not once, but several times in a short period of time.  So, to inform said young man about the "copy" and "paste" functions of computers these days, I made some adjustments to his initial chauvinistic message.  Let's just say that the online community may have been confused about gender and/or sexual preference.  Don't worry though, I left his request to "talk" as it was.
              Now the second enjoyable part of this experience can only be explained by letting you experience it as I did.  The following is a AIM session between me and another person who left his screen name online in an attempt to meet new people.  I've changed the screen names for his and my protection.  I am "ME" and he is "HIM."

ME (9:52:09 PM): hiya, got your mystery message. S'up?

HIM (9:55:57 PM): not much, you?

 ME (9:56:12 PM): meh, not a whole lot

HIM (9:56:55 PM): cool

ME  (9:57:28 PM): yeah, I suppose if anything big was going on, neither of us would have been on Mystery Google

HIM (9:57:57 PM): probably not lol

ME  (9:59:44 PM): Chat with random people a lot?

HIM (10:00:00 PM): every once in a while

HIM (10:00:01 PM): you?

ME  (10:00:07 PM): not really

ME  (10:00:17 PM): are you ever worried that one of them is

ME  (10:00:18 PM): you know

ME  (10:00:21 PM): a velociraptor?

HIM is offline (10:00:36 PM)


There you have it folks.  Within 15 seconds of changing the subject this guy leaves me hanging.  How rude.


So there you have it folks, I hereby issue a challenge.  Go on said "Mystery Google" and find yourself another fool who doesn't seem to understand that internet anonymity doesn't make them invincible.  The rules are as follows:

1. It must be anonymous.
2. You  must either let the person lead the conversation at first OR you must start with a normal subject.
3. After a short while you must drastically change the subject.  No gently nudging into it.  One second it's the weather and the next war torn unicorns.
4. Whoever has the shortest time between the change of subject and the other person ending the conversation wins.
   
   

This is your mission.  Report back to me with your findings and the conversations themselves if you can.

Before I let you go, one last piece of food for thought:

Imaginary Hamburgers.

And so it begins...again.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, harlots and vagabonds, to my world. I have just now entered the blogosphere in my first solo mission to bring my opinion to the world. I will consider this endeavor a success if "the world" winds up consisting of more than 5 people. Admittedly, this is my second trip to the wondrous world of the inter web. My first attempt can be described as a mild failure, which I completely blame on a lack of sleep.

As those of you who took the extra five minutes to read the timebender's blog can see; I'm still alive. Tad...well...Tad was a trooper, but I'm sorry to say, we lost him. To California. I know it's horrible, but stay strong. You and I will live on with his memory in our hearts.

Essentially, this time around, I have no overarching themes for this blog. It's just me, my opinions, and hopefully someone else who isn't taking up residency in my imagination. That's right, YOU. So reader, join in with me and let's view the world through my eyes.

I suppose for this introductory blog, I should introduce myself. I am...me. I know it's intense but I did warn you to buckle your seat belts first.

What's that you say?

I didn't warn you?

Well I thought it, and this relationship is just not going to work out if you can't read my mind just a little more often. Let's be honest, I'm always the one reading my mind. Would it kill you to take some of the load on yourself for once? I think not.

Anyway, back to the introductions: I'm a Catholic in grad school and have moderate republican political affiliations, I suppose. Although to be honest, I pretty much just hate politicians in general. I say let's vote for Jimmy Stewart as president with Chuck Norris as a VP and we can bring this country back to the glory it once was.

I like long walks on the beach and overused romantic cliches.

That's all you get to know so that the stalkers can't find me.

Finally, let's get to the main topic of my premiere blog post:

Aren't penguins just the cutest little bastards you ever did see?