Beware the Hoggerwok my son...

Happy Whistle-pig's day my friends!

     Now I know that Groundhog's day is an unappreciated holiday unless you live in Punxsutawney, and for those of you from Punxsutawney: get off your high horse.  It's a rodent.
     That being said, let's celebrate this joyous occasion by talking about how awesome the noble land-beaver is. Below I have compiled a list of wonderful attributes that the woodchuck has been blessed with.

1. Groundhogs are excellent burrowers.

• No, really, they are.  On average a groundhog moves approximately 710 lbs of dirt when digging a burrow.  That's the same as a groundhog lifting a sack full of four grown men and throwing them out of the way.  

     2.  Groundhogs are accomplished swimmer, excellent climbers, and can defend themselves with large incisors and front claws.

• As a comparison, I want you to imagine Michael Phelps, the American Gladiator "Rocket", and Raticate all mixed together in one furry four to nine pound package.  Now go change your pants.  I'll wait.

      3.  Groundhogs will whistle to alert the reset of the colony to impending danger.

• Considering the terror of #2, I wouldn't want to take a groundhog by surprise.  Taking on a whole colony on high alert?  Screw it, I'd rather face Zombie Raptors.

      4.  Doug Schwartz at the Staten Island Zoo says, "They’re known for their aggression, so you’re starting from a hard place. [The groundhog's] natural impulse is to kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out."

• Enough said.

There you have it ladies and gents.  Groundhogs are the vicious killers of the plains.  Also, private research has discovered that the average ground hog has 562 HP and will usually know the moves Dig, Rock Tomb, and Eye Gouge.  Also, Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck.  His first name is Wood.

Anyway, I have to go take my trash out now...Aw damn it!  It's snowing.  Thanks you furry little bastard.

This Blog Post is dedicated to my dear friend Wallace of Alfred, NY.  I miss you buddy!