Why do we fall silent Master Wruce? So we can speak back up.

When Wruce Bayne was just a lad, he went with his family to the movies one night to see the opening of the newest sentimental comedy starring The Rock.  As they left the theatre, young Wruce couldn't stop bouncing around his parents.  He imagined himself, like the rock, dressed in a tutu and a billion muscles.  Not a Hulk Hogan billion; a much more conservative Dwane Johnson billion.

His father decided to lead the family (being the leader of the family as fathers are) down a side alley to take a shortcut home.  Why they didn't just call their butler (Ralfred Nicklecost) to come pick them up in their fancy car, we may never know.  While walking through the dark alley a horrible tragedy befell the unsuspecting Bayne family.  Both Mr. and Mrs. Bayne began having simultaneous heart attacks.  As they fell onto the dark, wet streets, Wruce's father whispered in his son's ear

"Get help...run!"

And so Wruce ran back down the alley toward the well lit street to get some help.  He heard a stranger mugging another rich couple and their son by a dumpster, but ignored them.  His tiny shoes splashed magnificently through a giant puddle as he exited into the lit street.

"Help!" He screamed, "Someone please help..." A crowd of concerned faces suddenly appeared before him. Too many faces.  For some reason, the words got caught in Wruce's throat.  He couldn't talk to this many people at once.  One or two, sure, but not a crowd.  So, on that cold autumn night, Wruce Bayne's parents died because of his fear.

He grew up, the sole heir to both the Bayne family fortune and the Bayne family guilt.  He was a sad child and would cringe whenever an ambulance passed.  The sound of the sirens reminded him of that night when no sirens cried for his parents; when he cried alone.  Unable to take his guilt any more (13 years was long enough), young adult Wruce left without telling anyone and traveled to the far east.  For 7 years he studied the ancient Chinese art of medicine.

Never again he swore will anyone die because someone is to afraid to speak.

And so, he returned to Hotgam city and found his mansion exactly as it was.  His butler had kept it together for those long seven years, knowing that the young master Bayne would return one day.  Wruce began work on a costume and another persona.  A persona to help when no one else could.  He would stick to the shadows (so as to avoid large groups of people) and every time he heard a cry for help, he would run in the opposite direction to protect those who couldn't call out.

He found and bought an old, abandoned auditorium and declared to the empty seats that it would be his base of justice.  He fashioned himself weapons called pode-rangs (they are boomerangs that are shaped like podiums...and are sharp...and don't come back when you throw them.  Actually, they were called pode-shurikens...or pode-kens.  Yeah.  Pode-kens).  When his butler saw this he asked,

"Why podiums master Wruce?"

"Because public speaking scares me, Ralfred," he replied, "and it's time my enemies share in my dread."

He donned a mask and the letters PS were imprinted on his chest.  He became the silent guardian for all the unspoken members of the city.  He became a rallying name for mutes, mimes, and those afraid as he was.  In the underworld they speak his name quietly.

psssssst.

fine! here it is! But you're not going to like it...

Have you ever wondered why packing peanuts come in a "W" and a "S" shape?  Well wonder no more! (click here for the wikipedia link Tad)  The "S" comes from the first letter in it's name: STOROpack PelaSpan peanut and the "W" comes from a notable, though not first letter from it's name: RAPAC WingPac peanut because consistency in naming is for the birds!


This curiosity that caused this choice of article comes from the fact that in our office we have a large box of "W" and "S" shaped packing peanuts and I didn't have a lot to do last week.  Also, I do have a lot to do this week, so I didn't really want to post, but I did anyway.  For you people.  All four of my followers better read it since I posted it.  That means you have to read it twice Tad.  Once for each account.  Also to make up for the completely quarter-assed post, here is what I did with the packing peanuts last week when boredom and kinetics set in:

Valentine's Daze

Tonight, we have a special valentine's day recipe that I made this year.  This one moves really quickly, if you don't want to ruin the salmon, so stay on your toes.

Ingredients:
Smoked Salmon
Egg Noodles
1 lemon
Cilantro
olive oil

Directions:

• Boil a pot of water for the pasta
• Cook the pasta
• If you need better directions than that, maybe you shouldn't be trying this recipe right now.  Start with Chef Boyardee.
• Zest the lemon and chop a few pieces of cilantro.  Add the cilantro and lemon zest and oil to a frying pan and put on low heat (1-2).
• Slice, or pull apart, the salmon into smaller pieces.  This will help it distribute more evenly throughout the pasta.
• When the pasta is just about done, add the pieces of smoked salmon to the pan.  Be careful, anything more than the lightest of sears will overcook the thin slices of smoked salmon.  It's okay if it's not cooked all the way through, it's already been smoked.  We just want to heat it up and infuse some of the flavor.
• Drain the pasta and add the oil/cilantro/lemon/salmon mixture.
• Sir (or madam), mix.  A lot.
• Enjoy!

Through Rain, or Sleet or Awesome Riffs...

SHORT PERSONAL STORY TIME!!!

So, I went to the post office the other day to mail some forms, for a thing.  If I said more than that, I wouldn't have to kill you.  I probably would anyway, but I wouldn't have to.

So I enter the university post office and wait in the line.  I look at the posters that plaster the walls as I approach the civil servant at the end of this line.  Usually, this is a cause of much stress for people because if you work for the government you have to HATE EVERYTHING EVER.  Not this man, though, he is a rebel.  He broke the mold with sheer force of will.  My lines will be in red-O-vision while the mailman's lines will be in surround blue

I get to the counter and place the envelope on the counter.  "I need this to get where it's going by the twelfth."  Without missing a beat he hands me a key.  Even my quick wits were taken aback.

" My truck is out front." 

Very witty Mailman.  I get your game.  Well, I bet you weren't prepared for...this!


"No thanks." Bazang!  Take THAT reply!


"What's wrong?  It's a good truck.  It's got a stick up here," he says, so nonchalantly while he motions to the right side of an imaginary steering wheel.  He's good, but I'm better.

"I don't know how to drive stick." I reply.  I'm sure I have him now.

"Why?"  Gasp!  The honesty of his question strikes to my very core.  But I am not beaten yet!  I will fight honesty with honesty!

"Just never learned, I guess"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I guess I should learn."

"You will learn." He corrects me.  

"I will learn." I agree, "My girlfriend drives stick.  I'll have her teach me."  I've definitely recovered from my stumble earlier.  But then he changes the subject on me, trying to throw me of guard.

"Lighthouse."

"Pardon?"
"Eh, you're to young to know this song" The radio!  He's referring to the radio!
"It's sounds familiar." Now he's playing a little air guitar while he talks.
"It's a good song.  You should teach your girlfriend how to play guitar."
"I'll have to learn myself first."  Oh no!  I've left myself open again!  But I have time to recover, my reflexes are quick.
"I will learn how to play guitar." We say at the same time (Hence the Purple-ization).
He smiles.
I smile
"Have a nice day"
"You too"

I leave, having battled to a stalemate against a worthy opponent.  Now I just need to learn how to drive stick and play guitar.

The devils of Hogwarts

So, it's not new news that a bunch of old ladies set aside their knitting when Harry Potter became popular and began denouncing the books as tools of Satan.  Now, while I completely agree with these people (This is a total lie), I think Harry Potter is threatening our way of life in a much more severe way.  The people, places, creatures and spells of this magical world have permeated our society to such an extent that the true damage will be subtle and crippling to our world.  Below I have outlined a few such instances.

Oh and I will not be including instances of children grabbing brooms and jumping off roofs.  Even in the Potterverse people start on the ground.  Your child isn't being influence by popular fiction: he's just stupid.

For those of you who don't know, Hydrofluoric acid (or HF) is an acid that just loves to react with Calcium.  It is quickly absorbed through the skin and often the subject does not feel pain immediately.  Now imagine it absorbing into your skin and dissolving all the bones in your arms.  This is how tonights blog concept got started and here is how we imagined it (Granted, HF will react with the calcium in your blood and tissues to severe effect before it even reaches your bones, but nonetheless):

Lab assistant is rushed to the emergency room with a boneless arm.
Doctor-What happened?
Floppy-HF spilled all over my arm.
Doctor-I need calcium gluconate injections over here stat!
Floppy- bending his arm backwards No worries, just get some skele-gro and I'll be fine.
Doctor- What?
Floppy-Skele-gro.  It's a potion that grows back the bones in your arms.
Doctor-That doesn't exist!
Floppy- Excuse me?  They have it at Hogwarts.
Doctor- That doesn't exist either!
Floppy- So, I'm not going to get my bones back?
Doctor- You're going to die.
Floppy- Well, if I had known that, I would have worn my safety equipment...

Next, how long is it going to be before parents start naming their children after their favorite characters?

Daycare worker- leaning over to talk to a little boy. And what's your name?
Mother-His name's Albus Severus.
DW- what?
Mother - He was named after two of the greatest headmasters Hogwarts has ever known.
DW- It may not be my place to say ma'am, but do you want your son to get  his ass kicked every
day?
Mother- scoffs. It's from Harry Potter.  Everyone knows Harry Potter.
DW- Mmhmm.  And do your remember the bullies from Harry Potter?  Crabbe and Goyle?  Were they known for their desire to read?
Mother- ...shit...

And finally, not appropriate for our younger audience members:
Girl- Daddy, where do babies come from?
Daddy- Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a thing called "sex" and make a baby.
Girl- I want to have sex with a horse!
Daddy-...
Girl- Then I'll make a centaur baby!
Daddy-...

Oh wait a second, we don't need Harry Potter's influence for that last one.  We have Washington.

Fan-faction

Today's Wiki Wednesday is brought to you in fictional narrative (0-vision).

I was at the top of my game; top of the world even.  Not only was I the newly crowned champion, but I had beaten that ass-wipe grandson of the professor once and for all.  As I left the walked back through the final battle arena, I remembered the difficult opponents I had faced.  I walked back down those stairs that had seemed so endless before.  It was all too short before I stepped out into the sunlight again.

I don't know what I had expected.  It had always been a journey with just me and my six best friends.  When I stepped into the midst of that cheering crowd I was taken aback.  People kept shaking my hand, patting me on the back: I even got a few hair tousles.  As I reached the waterfall entrance I turned around and looked at the crowd.  I don't know what they expected of me, but I just wanted some peace and quiet at that point.  And maybe a soda.

I'm the champion now.  This just comes with the territory I thought, If I'm going to leave--and I am--I can't leave them disappointed.  I guess I'll have to do something champion-worthy.  
As if it were the most natural thing in the world, I threw both fists into the air.  The crowd cheered my simple action.  While the applause was at it's peak, I fell.

I leaned backward and fell right off the cliff.  I couldn't hear the gasps and screams from so far above; only the wind in my ears.  I reached into my vest, grabbing the one ball I knew I needed and shouted as I had so many times before

"I CHOOSE YOU, PIDGEOTTO!!!"

One of my best friends burst forth in the sky and caught me on his back.  We flew straight upwards, past the screaming crowd and off into the sunset.  I leaned back, enjoyed the silence, and let my pidgeotto lead the way.

When we finally landed, I immediately recognized the town from early in my journey.  An old, familiar face ran up to me excitedly.  I opened my mouth to say hi, but before I could he had grabbed my arm and run with me into some tall grass.  Jabbering on and on about how to catch a pokemon he started demonstrating to me again.  "I get it" I said.  "I already know how," I said.  He just wouldn't listen.  Finally I couldn't take it anymore, I thrust my medal in front of me and shouted,

"I'm the damned champion! I've caught almost every pokemon there is.  I think I know how to use a damn pokeball!!!"

Big Mistake.  The crowds heard the word "champion" and almost instantly started for me.  Kids wanting autographs, adults wanting to hear about it, and trainers wanting to prove their worth.

"Pidgeotto, Let's get out of here!" I yelled frantically, and before the fortune seekers could reach me, we were gone.  "Cinnabar Island," I whispered in his ear, "Let's get away from people for a while."  As soon as we landed, I ran for the nearest shoreline.  "Blastoise!  Surf!"  Safer with the wild pokemon than the crazed fans, I thought.
Boy, was I wrong.

We had barely begun to float along the shoreline when a pokemon jumped out at me.  At least, that's what I think it was.  Instead of a solid being, the air in front of me just shimmered.  Too solid to be a mirage, but too strange to be anything else.  I stood, transfixed by it's odd beauty.  I opened my pokedex to see what it had to say:

Missing No.  Pokemon number 000.  It is a....thzzt...crck...sszzszz...


The screen went black, and a purple smoke began to spew from the side.  I didn't know much about this pokemon, but I knew I wanted it.

The battle was fierce.  Fire, water, air, lightning, psychic blasts: I threw everything I had at this unknown creature.  It's eerie shimmer began to fade and I knew that it was weak.  I struck swiftly and accurately.  I threw an ultra ball at it and hit it dead on.  The distortion of reality that was Missing No. was pulled into the ultra ball and began to fall. I jumped off of my blastoise and caught it in mid-air.  As I treaded water I watched the ball with bated breath.  It shook in my palm:

Once...

Twice...

Ka-ching!

I had caught the mysterious Missing No.  I was the greatest pokemon trainer EVER!  Then, as I began to swim back to blastoise I began to sink.  I was getting heavier.  I felt all over myself to find the source of the extra weight.  My head went under and I felt the bulge in my pack.
The iron in my sixth pocket was multiplying.

I struggled with the buckle on the front, but I couldn't release it.  My blastoise swam down and grabbed me, but I was too heavy.  As the daylight drifted so far away from me, I hugged my blastoise one more time as my salty tears mixed with the sea water.  If only I had known.

I would have put rare candy in that pocket.

But I suppose that was the whole point.  It was my avarice that led me down this road.  I was haughty and the penalty for my hubris...was death.

Half-assed Tasty Tuesdays

It's been a long couple weeks kiddos, but here is a really quick tasty Tuesday to tide you over until tomorrow (or the next time I post).

Ingredients:
8oz package imitation crab (I used leg style)
Chives
Pasta (Spaghetti or your favorite long noodle)
Olive oil

Directions:

• Cook the spaghetti.  While it's cooking, heat your frying pan to med-low.
• Roughly chop the chives and crab meat.  The meat should fall apart into pieces with a high length:width aspect ratio.  This is why we picked leg style.
• Mix the chives and crab
• When the pasta is almost done, add oil to your hot pan.  Once the oil is hot, throw the chives and crab into the pan.  Lightly sautee.  Mostly, you just want to heat them through.
• Strain pasta.
• Add oil, crab meat and chives to pasta.  Mix together
• Serve with some parmesan cheese on top.
• Enjoy.