All the pretty girls beware...

I come to you tonight to warn you of a great evil.  My family has been hunting an ageless beast for generations.  Throughout the centuries, a dark horror has lived in the shadows.  It claims the most beautiful maidens of an age and then moves onward blending in with the times.  We have hunted the evil relentlessly and I fear that we may be losing any hope.  I have to tell you about this.  I have to warn you before it's too late.  It's all around you and you can't even see it because you are under it's spell.  It's name has changed with the times, but you know it as:

Cate Blanchett.

I know what you're thinking.  "Cate Blanchett?  That's crazy talk.  She looks so beautiful and pure."

I agree with you.  In fact, I'll go a step further and say that her beauty is timeless.  But her beauty and purity alike are not her own.  You see, she is a creature of the night now.  Perhaps at one point she was a normal person who had to face her own mortality like the rest of us.  Perhaps she never meant for things to be the way they are.  I don't know.  All I know is what she is now.

You see, her beauty and purity are nothing more than illusions; side effects of her devious doings.  As she gets older, her beauty fades.  When it gets to a point where her lustful eyes cannot bear the sight of her reflection anymore, she feeds again.  She slinks off into the night, steals another beautiful maiden and sucks out their youth.   Then she moves on and waits until the world has forgotten her face before stepping into the spotlight again.

Now she is in the public's eye!  No one can remember her from the last time she grabbed the world's attention.  Now is our chance!  Before she disappears again, we must unite against her and take her down once and for all!

I cannot do it alone.  She is protected by three ageless maidens which I have dubbed her "Blanch-ettes."  Due to my families unending quest against her, there has never been time enough to procreate an army.  There is only me.  If I could only rally a handful to my cause, we might have a chance!  Please,  for the sake of our beautiful daughters, nieces, and cousins: help me.

If we don't do something now, she'll disappear.  I guarantee you, that you'll never see age touch her face.  She will simply be gone before that happens and our last chance will go with her.  Remember:

If you don't fight, Cate Blanchett wins.




(On a side note:  The above is a work of parody and in no way reflects my honest opinion about Cate Blanchett and her unholy ability to suck the youth out of small children)