Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The kind of shame you can't retcon away...

Welcome to Wiki Wednesday true believers. Here is a fun article that I found a while ago and it shall be the focus of our enjoyment this evening.

Now to be fair, I had heard about the Legion of Super-pets before and I never had any second thoughts about how ridiculous an idea they were.  When I found this article, however, wonderful memories returned to me all at once.  Not being on a first name basis with all the members, we'll discuss the more prominent characters involved.

Krypto the Superdog:  Krypto the Superdog is probably the most well known of all the legion.  He is Superboy's pet dog and has made many appearances in comics, t.v., and an honorary mention in the newest franchise film: Superman Returns.  Aside from being a lovable, super powered, Kryptonian's best friend; Krypto has a great and touching origin story.  Krypto was Superboy's pet dog on Krypton (where people commonly named household pets after their planet) before it exploded.  Krypto was loyal, loving, obedient, and protective of his owners.  This of course is why Superboy's father decided to use Krypto to test out his rocket prototype.  Here's how I imagine it:


"Well son, why don't I take your dog for a walk tonight.  Yes, everything will be fine.  Of course I won't use him to test any dangerous machines that will leave him wandering aimlessly through the depths of space until he finally lands, through sheer unbelievable coincidence, on the same planet you will after the rest of us have died in a fiery explosion that rends the very flesh from our bones."


Then Superboy gurgles because he's a baby and doesn't understand.  Real smooth Jor-El.


Streaky the Supercat: Streaky was Supergirl's normal earth cat until X-kryptonite radiation gave her superpowers.  I can't make this up folks.  X-kryptonite.  Based on my calculations so far that means kryptonite can: kill Superman, give normal people cancer, give Superman mood swings, make Superman lose his powers temporarily, make Superman gay, and give domestic animals powers comparable to Superman.  Seriously DC, where do we draw the line?


Beppo the Supermonkey:  Beppo, like Krypto is from Krypton.  He was originally one of Jor-El's test animals, but he stowed away in Superboy's rocket that was sent to earth when the planet exploded.  When they landed he went of unnoticed and had a bunch of super-shenanigans.  Just so we all understand, Jor-El had an extra test monkey that he clearly wouldn't be able to use after they all died when the planet Krypton exploded, and yet he stole his son's pet dog and tested out an experimental rocket on him?  Anyone else feel that this is a little bass-ackwards?


Comet the SuperHorse: I don't feel I can do this origin story justice, so Wikipedia: take it away.

Comet was Supergirl's pet horse and while in his human form as Bill Starr, her brief boyfriend. Comet also had a brief romance with Lois Lane in her comic book.
As he described to her telepathically, he was originally a centaur in ancient Greece named Biron. The witch Circe gave him a potion to turn him fully human, but by mistake made him fully horse instead. Unable to reverse the spell, she instead gave him superpowers, including immortality.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...bestiality.

Ace, the Bat Hound:  What's worse than being the only superhero with no actual superpowers?  Being the only superpet with no actual superpowers.  I mean really, Bruce Wayne couldn't have just had a normal dog? He had to dress him up and take him out fighting crime every night?  Speaking of Bruce Wayne, he was a billionaire.  If he insisted upon having an animal sidekick, why didn't he pick something really bad-ass like a bear, or a lion, or a genetically re-engineered T-rex?  What the Hell Batman?

2 comments:

  1. I read the Wiki article and all I could think was, What the hell? On two levels-- a general What the hell?, and What the hell, Super Horse doesn't even rate a name? His podium just says 'Super-Horse'. And thirdly, What the hell, why do these animals need podiums??

    XD

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  2. Jor El sure had fun testing on small animals. It might have been lucky that he died before he had a chance to experiment on his son. (Tim)

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