What Laundromat-ters most

So here I am, sitting in this crap-hole of a Laundromat, wondering why a place like this is allowed to exist.  It’s pretty much the dirtiest place I have ever spent multiple periods of time in and yet I keep coming back.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame the owner¹ (not fully at least) I mostly blame the rif-raff so commonly referred to as “undergrads.”

[Side note:  I did not accidentally spell “rif-raff” wrong.  Normally there are two “f”’s in “riff” but I refuse to put both of them here.  “Riff” can also be used as a guitar term and as every tour-bus-chasing rock-band-groupie can tell you: guitars are cool².  The undergrads in this town are neither cool nor sexy, despite their apparent belief otherwise.  “Rif” is not a real word and therefore means nothing, which is a much more accurate representation of the drunken populous here³.]

So why is this place so awful?  Quite simply put: it seems to be the meeting place of the most inconsiderate people imaginable.  For example: who puts gum in a dryer?  What purpose does that serve anyone? 

I have, therefore, compiled a list of plans (not grievances, mind you) to correct these issues that make my Monday nights so unpleasant.  You see the problems here all stem from a distinct lack of care for your fellow man and I will correct these problems in the only appropriate manner: by violently forcing everyone to be kinder⁴ to one another⁵.

1.       All washers will eject their wet, wrinkled loads after the designated time is up.  If you are there, this will provide a fun game to pass the time where you try to catch your clothes in your hamper and then transport them to your desired dryer.  Some of you may be thinking: What about if I can’t catch them?  I was always bad in the catching things portion of gym class!  And the floor of the Laundromat is so dirty!  Do not worry friends, I have remedied this concern in issue 2 below.

2.       The floor of the Laundromat will be constantly cleaned by roombas.  Not your granny’s kind hearted robo-friend.  No, these roombas will be set to kill.  Any dirt or person who screws with my floor will regret it for the rest of their short lived lives.  The only thing the roombas will not attack will be clothes.  These they will return kindly to safety zones.  Safety zones will be raised areas off of the floor that are free from roomba harm.  Customers must stay on the safety zones to prevent a roomba-y death⁶. 

3.       The dryers will be allowed to sit unattended after finishing a load of laundry for 10 minutes before flames will shoot from the sides and incinerate the unattended load of clothing.  [This will prevent people from leaving their clothes for too long and taking up a dryer.  It will also prevent those preppy people who like to fold their clothes slowly and carefully while all the other dryers are full and I’m waiting with my wash.  You know who you are butt-monkey.]  Ashes from the load will then be spewed onto the floor to satiate the animal hunger of the roombas (see 2).

a.       Corollary rule: If anyone is detected messing with the dryers (see gum example above) They will be forced into the dryer compartment with mechanical arms and held there until the required ten minutes have passed.  Enjoy your fire gum-spitter.

That’s all I have for now, but I’m sure laundry night will be a much nicer night when I’m done.  Don’t you agree?  Be careful how you answer, the roombas are watching…

This post was brought to you by the punctuation: COLON.  Parenthesis put up a good fight, but fell behind in the third quarter due to injuries.

¹Okay, I blame him too

²and sexy

³Aww snap! Zing!

⁴WWSD: What would Stalin do?

⁵Read: me

⁶ That’s right: I’ve turned the entire Laundromat into one very serious game of “don’t touch the lava.”  Enjoy your death, Mr. Bond.