Nathan Lane owes me millions.

Tonight's Wiki Wednesday is brought to you by my good friend Reed who directed me to this:

The Lions Sleeps Tonight has an interesting history.

Originally called "Mbube" by it's writer (and initial recorder) Soloman Linda it has been sung by many over the years.  Linda was given the shaft and payed a one time fee instead of normal author royalties.  The famous chorus of "Wimoweh" is actually a mistake, caused by a mishearing of the original chorus "uyimbube" which means you're a lion.  This means Timon and Pumbaa are stupidly singing "You're a lion, You're a lion" in horribly mistranslated African during the movie.  Stupid jungle animals, listen to Elton John.

The song is based on an old African legend about the king Shaka Zulu whose pro-wrestler name was "The Lion."  They say that when the Europeans invaded he simply fell asleep (instead of dying) and will awaken some day to exact his Buffalo Loined Vengance.  Of course, if my leader decided at the critical moment to go to sleep while his people were being conquered, I would probably prefer thinking he was dead.  You know, instead of being a jerk who abandoned everyone for 40 winks.

In 1982 the most popular version this song ever was performed and released by the group "Tight Fit."  And this is why it was so popular:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to go and make some bread.

The devils of Hogwarts

So, it's not new news that a bunch of old ladies set aside their knitting when Harry Potter became popular and began denouncing the books as tools of Satan.  Now, while I completely agree with these people (This is a total lie), I think Harry Potter is threatening our way of life in a much more severe way.  The people, places, creatures and spells of this magical world have permeated our society to such an extent that the true damage will be subtle and crippling to our world.  Below I have outlined a few such instances.

Oh and I will not be including instances of children grabbing brooms and jumping off roofs.  Even in the Potterverse people start on the ground.  Your child isn't being influence by popular fiction: he's just stupid.

For those of you who don't know, Hydrofluoric acid (or HF) is an acid that just loves to react with Calcium.  It is quickly absorbed through the skin and often the subject does not feel pain immediately.  Now imagine it absorbing into your skin and dissolving all the bones in your arms.  This is how tonights blog concept got started and here is how we imagined it (Granted, HF will react with the calcium in your blood and tissues to severe effect before it even reaches your bones, but nonetheless):

Lab assistant is rushed to the emergency room with a boneless arm.
Doctor-What happened?
Floppy-HF spilled all over my arm.
Doctor-I need calcium gluconate injections over here stat!
Floppy- bending his arm backwards No worries, just get some skele-gro and I'll be fine.
Doctor- What?
Floppy-Skele-gro.  It's a potion that grows back the bones in your arms.
Doctor-That doesn't exist!
Floppy- Excuse me?  They have it at Hogwarts.
Doctor- That doesn't exist either!
Floppy- So, I'm not going to get my bones back?
Doctor- You're going to die.
Floppy- Well, if I had known that, I would have worn my safety equipment...

Next, how long is it going to be before parents start naming their children after their favorite characters?

Daycare worker- leaning over to talk to a little boy. And what's your name?
Mother-His name's Albus Severus.
DW- what?
Mother - He was named after two of the greatest headmasters Hogwarts has ever known.
DW- It may not be my place to say ma'am, but do you want your son to get  his ass kicked every
day?
Mother- scoffs. It's from Harry Potter.  Everyone knows Harry Potter.
DW- Mmhmm.  And do your remember the bullies from Harry Potter?  Crabbe and Goyle?  Were they known for their desire to read?
Mother- ...shit...

And finally, not appropriate for our younger audience members:
Girl- Daddy, where do babies come from?
Daddy- Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a thing called "sex" and make a baby.
Girl- I want to have sex with a horse!
Daddy-...
Girl- Then I'll make a centaur baby!
Daddy-...

Oh wait a second, we don't need Harry Potter's influence for that last one.  We have Washington.

The kind of shame you can't retcon away...

Welcome to Wiki Wednesday true believers. Here is a fun article that I found a while ago and it shall be the focus of our enjoyment this evening.

Now to be fair, I had heard about the Legion of Super-pets before and I never had any second thoughts about how ridiculous an idea they were.  When I found this article, however, wonderful memories returned to me all at once.  Not being on a first name basis with all the members, we'll discuss the more prominent characters involved.

Krypto the Superdog:  Krypto the Superdog is probably the most well known of all the legion.  He is Superboy's pet dog and has made many appearances in comics, t.v., and an honorary mention in the newest franchise film: Superman Returns.  Aside from being a lovable, super powered, Kryptonian's best friend; Krypto has a great and touching origin story.  Krypto was Superboy's pet dog on Krypton (where people commonly named household pets after their planet) before it exploded.  Krypto was loyal, loving, obedient, and protective of his owners.  This of course is why Superboy's father decided to use Krypto to test out his rocket prototype.  Here's how I imagine it:


"Well son, why don't I take your dog for a walk tonight.  Yes, everything will be fine.  Of course I won't use him to test any dangerous machines that will leave him wandering aimlessly through the depths of space until he finally lands, through sheer unbelievable coincidence, on the same planet you will after the rest of us have died in a fiery explosion that rends the very flesh from our bones."


Then Superboy gurgles because he's a baby and doesn't understand.  Real smooth Jor-El.


Streaky the Supercat: Streaky was Supergirl's normal earth cat until X-kryptonite radiation gave her superpowers.  I can't make this up folks.  X-kryptonite.  Based on my calculations so far that means kryptonite can: kill Superman, give normal people cancer, give Superman mood swings, make Superman lose his powers temporarily, make Superman gay, and give domestic animals powers comparable to Superman.  Seriously DC, where do we draw the line?


Beppo the Supermonkey:  Beppo, like Krypto is from Krypton.  He was originally one of Jor-El's test animals, but he stowed away in Superboy's rocket that was sent to earth when the planet exploded.  When they landed he went of unnoticed and had a bunch of super-shenanigans.  Just so we all understand, Jor-El had an extra test monkey that he clearly wouldn't be able to use after they all died when the planet Krypton exploded, and yet he stole his son's pet dog and tested out an experimental rocket on him?  Anyone else feel that this is a little bass-ackwards?


Comet the SuperHorse: I don't feel I can do this origin story justice, so Wikipedia: take it away.

Comet was Supergirl's pet horse and while in his human form as Bill Starr, her brief boyfriend. Comet also had a brief romance with Lois Lane in her comic book.

As he described to her telepathically, he was originally a centaur in ancient Greece named Biron. The witch Circe gave him a potion to turn him fully human, but by mistake made him fully horse instead. Unable to reverse the spell, she instead gave him superpowers, including immortality.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...bestiality.

Ace, the Bat Hound:  What's worse than being the only superhero with no actual superpowers?  Being the only superpet with no actual superpowers.  I mean really, Bruce Wayne couldn't have just had a normal dog? He had to dress him up and take him out fighting crime every night?  Speaking of Bruce Wayne, he was a billionaire.  If he insisted upon having an animal sidekick, why didn't he pick something really bad-ass like a bear, or a lion, or a genetically re-engineered T-rex?  What the Hell Batman?

Beware the Hoggerwok my son...

Happy Whistle-pig's day my friends!

     Now I know that Groundhog's day is an unappreciated holiday unless you live in Punxsutawney, and for those of you from Punxsutawney: get off your high horse.  It's a rodent.
     That being said, let's celebrate this joyous occasion by talking about how awesome the noble land-beaver is. Below I have compiled a list of wonderful attributes that the woodchuck has been blessed with.

1. Groundhogs are excellent burrowers.

• No, really, they are.  On average a groundhog moves approximately 710 lbs of dirt when digging a burrow.  That's the same as a groundhog lifting a sack full of four grown men and throwing them out of the way.  

     2.  Groundhogs are accomplished swimmer, excellent climbers, and can defend themselves with large incisors and front claws.

• As a comparison, I want you to imagine Michael Phelps, the American Gladiator "Rocket", and Raticate all mixed together in one furry four to nine pound package.  Now go change your pants.  I'll wait.

      3.  Groundhogs will whistle to alert the reset of the colony to impending danger.

• Considering the terror of #2, I wouldn't want to take a groundhog by surprise.  Taking on a whole colony on high alert?  Screw it, I'd rather face Zombie Raptors.

      4.  Doug Schwartz at the Staten Island Zoo says, "They’re known for their aggression, so you’re starting from a hard place. [The groundhog's] natural impulse is to kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out."

• Enough said.

There you have it ladies and gents.  Groundhogs are the vicious killers of the plains.  Also, private research has discovered that the average ground hog has 562 HP and will usually know the moves Dig, Rock Tomb, and Eye Gouge.  Also, Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck.  His first name is Wood.

Anyway, I have to go take my trash out now...Aw damn it!  It's snowing.  Thanks you furry little bastard.

This Blog Post is dedicated to my dear friend Wallace of Alfred, NY.  I miss you buddy!