What Laundromat-ters most

So here I am, sitting in this crap-hole of a Laundromat, wondering why a place like this is allowed to exist.  It’s pretty much the dirtiest place I have ever spent multiple periods of time in and yet I keep coming back.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame the owner¹ (not fully at least) I mostly blame the rif-raff so commonly referred to as “undergrads.”

[Side note:  I did not accidentally spell “rif-raff” wrong.  Normally there are two “f”’s in “riff” but I refuse to put both of them here.  “Riff” can also be used as a guitar term and as every tour-bus-chasing rock-band-groupie can tell you: guitars are cool².  The undergrads in this town are neither cool nor sexy, despite their apparent belief otherwise.  “Rif” is not a real word and therefore means nothing, which is a much more accurate representation of the drunken populous here³.]

So why is this place so awful?  Quite simply put: it seems to be the meeting place of the most inconsiderate people imaginable.  For example: who puts gum in a dryer?  What purpose does that serve anyone? 

I have, therefore, compiled a list of plans (not grievances, mind you) to correct these issues that make my Monday nights so unpleasant.  You see the problems here all stem from a distinct lack of care for your fellow man and I will correct these problems in the only appropriate manner: by violently forcing everyone to be kinder⁴ to one another⁵.

1.       All washers will eject their wet, wrinkled loads after the designated time is up.  If you are there, this will provide a fun game to pass the time where you try to catch your clothes in your hamper and then transport them to your desired dryer.  Some of you may be thinking: What about if I can’t catch them?  I was always bad in the catching things portion of gym class!  And the floor of the Laundromat is so dirty!  Do not worry friends, I have remedied this concern in issue 2 below.

2.       The floor of the Laundromat will be constantly cleaned by roombas.  Not your granny’s kind hearted robo-friend.  No, these roombas will be set to kill.  Any dirt or person who screws with my floor will regret it for the rest of their short lived lives.  The only thing the roombas will not attack will be clothes.  These they will return kindly to safety zones.  Safety zones will be raised areas off of the floor that are free from roomba harm.  Customers must stay on the safety zones to prevent a roomba-y death⁶. 

3.       The dryers will be allowed to sit unattended after finishing a load of laundry for 10 minutes before flames will shoot from the sides and incinerate the unattended load of clothing.  [This will prevent people from leaving their clothes for too long and taking up a dryer.  It will also prevent those preppy people who like to fold their clothes slowly and carefully while all the other dryers are full and I’m waiting with my wash.  You know who you are butt-monkey.]  Ashes from the load will then be spewed onto the floor to satiate the animal hunger of the roombas (see 2).

a.       Corollary rule: If anyone is detected messing with the dryers (see gum example above) They will be forced into the dryer compartment with mechanical arms and held there until the required ten minutes have passed.  Enjoy your fire gum-spitter.

That’s all I have for now, but I’m sure laundry night will be a much nicer night when I’m done.  Don’t you agree?  Be careful how you answer, the roombas are watching…

This post was brought to you by the punctuation: COLON.  Parenthesis put up a good fight, but fell behind in the third quarter due to injuries.

¹Okay, I blame him too

²and sexy

³Aww snap! Zing!

⁴WWSD: What would Stalin do?

⁵Read: me

⁶ That’s right: I’ve turned the entire Laundromat into one very serious game of “don’t touch the lava.”  Enjoy your death, Mr. Bond.

Through Rain, or Sleet or Awesome Riffs...

SHORT PERSONAL STORY TIME!!!

So, I went to the post office the other day to mail some forms, for a thing.  If I said more than that, I wouldn't have to kill you.  I probably would anyway, but I wouldn't have to.

So I enter the university post office and wait in the line.  I look at the posters that plaster the walls as I approach the civil servant at the end of this line.  Usually, this is a cause of much stress for people because if you work for the government you have to HATE EVERYTHING EVER.  Not this man, though, he is a rebel.  He broke the mold with sheer force of will.  My lines will be in red-O-vision while the mailman's lines will be in surround blue

I get to the counter and place the envelope on the counter.  "I need this to get where it's going by the twelfth."  Without missing a beat he hands me a key.  Even my quick wits were taken aback.

" My truck is out front." 

Very witty Mailman.  I get your game.  Well, I bet you weren't prepared for...this!


"No thanks." Bazang!  Take THAT reply!


"What's wrong?  It's a good truck.  It's got a stick up here," he says, so nonchalantly while he motions to the right side of an imaginary steering wheel.  He's good, but I'm better.

"I don't know how to drive stick." I reply.  I'm sure I have him now.

"Why?"  Gasp!  The honesty of his question strikes to my very core.  But I am not beaten yet!  I will fight honesty with honesty!

"Just never learned, I guess"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I guess I should learn."

"You will learn." He corrects me.  

"I will learn." I agree, "My girlfriend drives stick.  I'll have her teach me."  I've definitely recovered from my stumble earlier.  But then he changes the subject on me, trying to throw me of guard.

"Lighthouse."

"Pardon?"
"Eh, you're to young to know this song" The radio!  He's referring to the radio!
"It's sounds familiar." Now he's playing a little air guitar while he talks.
"It's a good song.  You should teach your girlfriend how to play guitar."
"I'll have to learn myself first."  Oh no!  I've left myself open again!  But I have time to recover, my reflexes are quick.
"I will learn how to play guitar." We say at the same time (Hence the Purple-ization).
He smiles.
I smile
"Have a nice day"
"You too"

I leave, having battled to a stalemate against a worthy opponent.  Now I just need to learn how to drive stick and play guitar.

The devils of Hogwarts

So, it's not new news that a bunch of old ladies set aside their knitting when Harry Potter became popular and began denouncing the books as tools of Satan.  Now, while I completely agree with these people (This is a total lie), I think Harry Potter is threatening our way of life in a much more severe way.  The people, places, creatures and spells of this magical world have permeated our society to such an extent that the true damage will be subtle and crippling to our world.  Below I have outlined a few such instances.

Oh and I will not be including instances of children grabbing brooms and jumping off roofs.  Even in the Potterverse people start on the ground.  Your child isn't being influence by popular fiction: he's just stupid.

For those of you who don't know, Hydrofluoric acid (or HF) is an acid that just loves to react with Calcium.  It is quickly absorbed through the skin and often the subject does not feel pain immediately.  Now imagine it absorbing into your skin and dissolving all the bones in your arms.  This is how tonights blog concept got started and here is how we imagined it (Granted, HF will react with the calcium in your blood and tissues to severe effect before it even reaches your bones, but nonetheless):

Lab assistant is rushed to the emergency room with a boneless arm.
Doctor-What happened?
Floppy-HF spilled all over my arm.
Doctor-I need calcium gluconate injections over here stat!
Floppy- bending his arm backwards No worries, just get some skele-gro and I'll be fine.
Doctor- What?
Floppy-Skele-gro.  It's a potion that grows back the bones in your arms.
Doctor-That doesn't exist!
Floppy- Excuse me?  They have it at Hogwarts.
Doctor- That doesn't exist either!
Floppy- So, I'm not going to get my bones back?
Doctor- You're going to die.
Floppy- Well, if I had known that, I would have worn my safety equipment...

Next, how long is it going to be before parents start naming their children after their favorite characters?

Daycare worker- leaning over to talk to a little boy. And what's your name?
Mother-His name's Albus Severus.
DW- what?
Mother - He was named after two of the greatest headmasters Hogwarts has ever known.
DW- It may not be my place to say ma'am, but do you want your son to get  his ass kicked every
day?
Mother- scoffs. It's from Harry Potter.  Everyone knows Harry Potter.
DW- Mmhmm.  And do your remember the bullies from Harry Potter?  Crabbe and Goyle?  Were they known for their desire to read?
Mother- ...shit...

And finally, not appropriate for our younger audience members:
Girl- Daddy, where do babies come from?
Daddy- Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a thing called "sex" and make a baby.
Girl- I want to have sex with a horse!
Daddy-...
Girl- Then I'll make a centaur baby!
Daddy-...

Oh wait a second, we don't need Harry Potter's influence for that last one.  We have Washington.

Beware the Hoggerwok my son...

Happy Whistle-pig's day my friends!

     Now I know that Groundhog's day is an unappreciated holiday unless you live in Punxsutawney, and for those of you from Punxsutawney: get off your high horse.  It's a rodent.
     That being said, let's celebrate this joyous occasion by talking about how awesome the noble land-beaver is. Below I have compiled a list of wonderful attributes that the woodchuck has been blessed with.

1. Groundhogs are excellent burrowers.

• No, really, they are.  On average a groundhog moves approximately 710 lbs of dirt when digging a burrow.  That's the same as a groundhog lifting a sack full of four grown men and throwing them out of the way.  

     2.  Groundhogs are accomplished swimmer, excellent climbers, and can defend themselves with large incisors and front claws.

• As a comparison, I want you to imagine Michael Phelps, the American Gladiator "Rocket", and Raticate all mixed together in one furry four to nine pound package.  Now go change your pants.  I'll wait.

      3.  Groundhogs will whistle to alert the reset of the colony to impending danger.

• Considering the terror of #2, I wouldn't want to take a groundhog by surprise.  Taking on a whole colony on high alert?  Screw it, I'd rather face Zombie Raptors.

      4.  Doug Schwartz at the Staten Island Zoo says, "They’re known for their aggression, so you’re starting from a hard place. [The groundhog's] natural impulse is to kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out."

• Enough said.

There you have it ladies and gents.  Groundhogs are the vicious killers of the plains.  Also, private research has discovered that the average ground hog has 562 HP and will usually know the moves Dig, Rock Tomb, and Eye Gouge.  Also, Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck.  His first name is Wood.

Anyway, I have to go take my trash out now...Aw damn it!  It's snowing.  Thanks you furry little bastard.

This Blog Post is dedicated to my dear friend Wallace of Alfred, NY.  I miss you buddy!

What's left when all the good things are gone?

I'm going to get real with you all this time around.  No playful banter.  No witty repartee.  Just straight up serious business.

Like the Twilight movies.

Myself and a friend of mine were talking about stuff today and came to a realization that nothing lasts forever.  I know that this isn't news to a lot of you, but have you ever really thought about it?  I don't mean friends, or family, or pets, or even that one banana that you really meant to eat but just never had the time and now it's been pushed to the back of the fridge where it slowly turns blacker and blacker as the last traces of it's little banana innocence fade away leaving only feelings of betrayal and sadness.  I mean real things.  Things that define generations.

Think about it.  Remember growing up with the ninja turtles?  I do.  I know that the ninja turtles are still around and on TV, but they aren't the real ninja turtles.  They're the ninja turtle equivalent of the shopping mall Santa Claus; fun to sit on, but lacking that true magic that makes it worthwhile.  How am I going to explain to my children the wonders of The Shredder's hencemen -- BeBop and Rock Steady?

"There was a Rhino, you see.  And a Warthog.  And one was dressed up in camo pants and the other had a Mohawk, but they were still friends."

If you think that's hard to explain, imagine the Krang talk:

"He was a Brain.  In a jar.  I know how that sounds but he was cool.  And he was the Shredder's boss."
"Yeah right Dad.  Real cool.
"No!  Listen!  He could put his jar in a robot's abdomen and fight with the robot.  Well, he couldn't put the jar there, Shredder had to."

My children will just stare at me with blank looks, waiting for my old person rant to finish.
Sure.  Maybe we could be okay if it was only the ninja turtles we were loosing, but it won't end there.  We've already lost M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice isn't too far behind.  Not just them, but their fashions too.  You just can't walk around wearing pants like that anymore.  Society won't allow it.

Remember the Power Rangers?  I mean the good, original, "teenagers with attitude" Power Rangers.  They're being buried under a pile of cheap copies, and not the good cheap copies.  When the old Rangers were in...well, Power...people tried to capitalize on the idea of groups of young people with powers saving the world.  Anyone remember The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog? 

How about V.R. Troopers? 




Or even...BeetleBorgs.  

Things were simpler back then.  All you needed was one white guy, one black guy, and a girl.  Throw in a theme song that consists of the show's name repeated for thirty seconds and BAMB!  A hit series.

All I'm saying is if we're not careful, what's next?  How many pieces of our (pop)culture do we need to lose before we take a stand?  Which will be the last straw?
Bill Cosby (Shoobedobop)?

Harry Potter (Bother)?
 
Or, dare I say it...Chuck Norris?

If that's what the future has to offer, than I want no part of it.

Look at me, embedding videos.  Aren't I just too awesome?

All the pretty girls beware...

I come to you tonight to warn you of a great evil.  My family has been hunting an ageless beast for generations.  Throughout the centuries, a dark horror has lived in the shadows.  It claims the most beautiful maidens of an age and then moves onward blending in with the times.  We have hunted the evil relentlessly and I fear that we may be losing any hope.  I have to tell you about this.  I have to warn you before it's too late.  It's all around you and you can't even see it because you are under it's spell.  It's name has changed with the times, but you know it as:

Cate Blanchett.

I know what you're thinking.  "Cate Blanchett?  That's crazy talk.  She looks so beautiful and pure."

I agree with you.  In fact, I'll go a step further and say that her beauty is timeless.  But her beauty and purity alike are not her own.  You see, she is a creature of the night now.  Perhaps at one point she was a normal person who had to face her own mortality like the rest of us.  Perhaps she never meant for things to be the way they are.  I don't know.  All I know is what she is now.

You see, her beauty and purity are nothing more than illusions; side effects of her devious doings.  As she gets older, her beauty fades.  When it gets to a point where her lustful eyes cannot bear the sight of her reflection anymore, she feeds again.  She slinks off into the night, steals another beautiful maiden and sucks out their youth.   Then she moves on and waits until the world has forgotten her face before stepping into the spotlight again.

Now she is in the public's eye!  No one can remember her from the last time she grabbed the world's attention.  Now is our chance!  Before she disappears again, we must unite against her and take her down once and for all!

I cannot do it alone.  She is protected by three ageless maidens which I have dubbed her "Blanch-ettes."  Due to my families unending quest against her, there has never been time enough to procreate an army.  There is only me.  If I could only rally a handful to my cause, we might have a chance!  Please,  for the sake of our beautiful daughters, nieces, and cousins: help me.

If we don't do something now, she'll disappear.  I guarantee you, that you'll never see age touch her face.  She will simply be gone before that happens and our last chance will go with her.  Remember:

If you don't fight, Cate Blanchett wins.




(On a side note:  The above is a work of parody and in no way reflects my honest opinion about Cate Blanchett and her unholy ability to suck the youth out of small children)